Made In China

Welcome to the Age of the "Made in China Chick" .... Fake Hair, Fake Nails, Fake Eyelashes, Glued, Stitched, and Appended to their bodies somehow. A fantastic work of art, exotic, beaurrrriful, but this is the "Made in China" version ... Like your average made in China products, designed to solve the problems that the original authentic version couldn't. Just like the mobile phone with 2 sim cards that can double up as a credit car, thermometer, speedometer, baby monitor you name it, it Does it. "Made in China" Hair can withstand any weather condition (I honestly think the architects in the New Orleans area, could've learnt a few tips from the hair technicians in ATL, even hurricane Katrina couldn’t move one strand out of place), "Made in China" Nails can cut through a 7 foot steal wall, "Made in China" Eyelashes have nothing on any camels lashes, "Made in China" Chicks are far superior to your average African Chick... Front row at every event, Limited edition (one of the only 2 made) bag, hottest man on her arm, Always seen at the BA lounge at MMA on her way to an even hotter party off shore, Living the life you could only dream of... Don't you just want to be a "Made in China" chick. Today your dream has come true. 5 tips to becoming the “Made in China” version of you. Bigger, Better, POW POW POW:

1. “Fix” a weave. Preferably Brazilian. If you must Indian hair will do. Synthetic NO WAY, DONT DREAM OF IT!!!!! Without this hair you will never make it as a Lagos bix girl. Plan your social extradition if you haven’t got this in check. To take your place as a real bix gel! You should probably choose a top salon.. so u can schmooze with the elite. If you have a fab weave from Yaba, you still may not cut it
2. “Fix” your nails. No stick on’s, strictly acrylic, please ensure these are filled out at least once a week, it really isn’t cool to have the undergrowth showing.
3. “Fix” your eyelashes. Come on gels, why would you even step out of your house without mini fans appended to your eyelids, its Hammatan, fix up look sharp. Lashes should be individually glued on, it’s so 2008 to have a whole row put on
4. Dip yourself in Acid to lighten your skin tone. Black is beautiful; (only to white folk), if you wanna make it big in Lagos, at least 3 shades lighter.
5. Finally Dress the part. Patent Leather LV bag is really a must. Red will speed you right to the top of the A list crew. Platform stripper shoes, The tightest body hugging dress, all your tits out, cellulite showing, paired with the most ostentatious earrings you can find at your bend down market. Always remember your outfit must make noise for you to make news!!!!!!

Total transformation. Now you are set for some action under the mistletoe.

CAUTION!!!!!! Just like "Made in China" products often spontaneously combust, the "Made in china" chick must be prepared for unplanned misfortunes:

• Stick on Nails may drop off into your glass of wine
• Eyelashes may get caught in your boyfriends jumper, leaving you with one eye on point the other like a copse
• Worm eggs in the Indian hair that was sacrificed to a god may hatch and worms may bury themselves under your scalp
• Your skin may be left patchy or transparent, akin to that of a wall gheko

Disclaimer: I am not hating, after all they are your nails, that is your hair, your skin really is that tone, those lonnnnnnnnnng lashes are yours. After all you paid for them. And not Naira. DOLLLARRRRRRSSSSS baby! Lagos BIX girls!!!!