Note to the tourists.... with love

So its that time of year again, where there is a real threat of Lagos island sinking due to the massive influx of "tourists". Though most of them carry green passports neatly hidden in Smythson passport holders they could give even the Queen a complex. The Queen of England that is, not the Olori of Ife. For us now 'native' Nigerians, our stomachs are already churning at the thought. So I thought I'd write a note to these tourists, to help us endure them this festive season. This is written in the nicest possible way, cause we were all on the other side not long ago, and I only imagine that our predecessors had the same issues with us.

Oooo shall I do bullets or numbers. Numbers I think, will be easier for our foreign mates to remember when they are about to commit these crimes.

1. Number ONE. (I am even repeating the number so its sticks) please guys if you remember nothing else, please remember this one. DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HOT IT IS. Its Africa guys, the tropics, if you are shocked that its hot, then I just don't know what to say to you really. Maybe you should've checked the weather forecast before you boarded your BA75 or is it 74, and if the temperature was not to your liking, you should've booked a ticket to Russia, it’s not hot there. Either way you are here now, so deal with it, and don't give us a weather update every 5 mins. We know IT’S HOT. Might I suggest Clinique blotting paper, Keihls deodorant, and a car with a good AC.

2. Under no circumstances should you drive. No no no. Yes, you don't need a license, there are many cars at your disposal, but just don't do it. You cannot handle Lastma, and we cannot handle the traffic you create when you have stopped traffic to speak grammer to them. Take it easy, you’re on vacation, sit back let Mr. Ola, or Mr. Salisu do the driving

3. Do not speak Fone to your driver. Believe me it is akin to speaking Chinese to a 2 month old baby on life support in General Hospital, they won't understand what you’re saying and they have far bigger problems than decoding what you have to say. You just won't get to where ur going. We all know you went to the best schools out there, you have lived overseas for your whole life you don't need to stress it, take it down a notch and speak to them in a way they will understand.

4. Well this one may just be a matter of opinion. So you can feel free to disregard. Rehab, Reeds, Bachus, Caliente, or whatever other hot spot there is, is most definitely not the after party for the Oscars, we don’t need to come out in our Oscar best. It’s really not necessary, you may think we’re hating, we’re really not, it just seems a waste of good clothes. However if you decide to wear your million dollar preen dress, and your 8000 pound Alaia shoes, and someone spills their power horse and vodka all over you please do not launch into some long chat about “OMG my dress was so expensive, my shoes were limited edition, how am I going to replace them” ... you can’t, just shouldn’t have worn them innit

5. While on the topic of clubs, i should slip this one in there. And this is especially for my very funky cousin. BLACKBERRYS and iPhones. This isn’t rocket science, and us natives fall victim to this too. Do not dangle a chunky juicy piece of grilled meat in front of a starving refugee. He is hungry, if he see’s it he is gonna go for it, cause he wants to eat, hunger don catch am. That iPhone 4 get as e take fine, but do not flaunt it, the people you are trying to impress with your hot accessory have been on the apple website, and we have all saved up to buy it. Sooooo put it in your bag, a clutch if possible, and keep it under your arm, only bring it out when absolutely necessary, like when you need to call Mr. Salisu to drive to the door.

6. Do not give lavish tips. Once you start you have to keep it up. Let me give an example here. My brother once tipped a driver 7000 Naira for a night out. To you foreigners this is only 30 quid, the same you would pay Addison Lee to drive you from your Chelsea homes to wherever people go to these days. But in Nigeria this is, and i am not kidding someone’s rent for 3 months, and up till last month it was the minimum monthly wage in Nigeria. To you it’s nothing, but here it is lavish, lets keep our money in our pockets ladies and gentlemen. Ladies you can use that to buy yourself a drink at the bar as opposed to trying to catch some fellas eye and get him to bring out his cash, gentlemen, get a mani / pedi and a haircut, God knows that after all that sufferhead abroad you need it. Moderate Tips also apply at hair salons, nail bars, parking spaces etc. Be kind, generous even, not stupid.

7. Do not air your lives at nail place or nail studio. I cannot tell you how quickly that stuff will fly around Lagos. This is the age of blackberry messenger, whats app, and gchat. Your ‘story’ could be in Bangladesh in SECONDS. For those of you who are searching for husbands, it’s not a good look to do a SWOT analysis on the potentials in such a public place, if you must please do it over the phone, otherwise you may be back on Virgin Airlines with a fat lip and not a fat rock. The biological clock is ticking don’t hinder your chances with this faux pas.

8. Lunches. I work daytimes, so this doesn’t affect me personally, but i’m gonna help my fellow natives out. Do not pass running commentary about how the food is awful, and when you were at lunch at Nobu you had far better tempura, and how the packaging of the water is awful. Its really not cool, nobody is gonna give u points for having been to Nobu, and knowing the differences between Bonzai and Nobu. We’ve been there too. And we accept that Nigeria is still a developing country, we can’t expect 5 star dining. If u don’t like it, don’t go there again, get ur cook to make u something, or just eat suya. You cant go wrong there. Not sure if this falls in the same category. But do not launch into conversations with street kids about why they are not in bed, or not at school, the likelihood is that they don’t have beds or schools ya know, lets be a little considerate.

9. Ladies feel free to sample our local content men, because let me not lie, men that live in Nigeria know how to treat their ladies, they will wine you dine you, put you on the VIP table at Rehab, and show you a good time. Kate Middelton soon to be Windsor, won’t have anything on you. But please please please do not moan to us when you are not receiving any calls from them after the holidays. Because like I pointed out earlier, Africa is HOT they just needed some foreign blood to cool them off a bit.

Men, when you see a native Nigerian lady, however tempted you are ... JOG ON ... We are hardened, we need men, not lady boys.

I think i’m gonna stop at 10, cause I actually need to get back to work...

10. Do not ask us how we survive living here. That’s a silly question really isn’t it. The people that are living here are not monkeys, they are people too. And hang on, you lived here at some point before you got the visa in the green, so evidently it can be done. We do not feel slighted that we live here, it was a choice, we have visa’s, green cards and red passports too, so don’t look down at us, we are not moved.

Have a great Christmas holiday. You will be hearing more from me more over the break.

Also please check out Xtreme Sports Nigeria’s opening on the 18^th of December. Go hard or GO HOME. www.xtremesportsng.com

Xoxo.