Nyne to Fyve

As I sat in my car this morning, with the standard drone of a gazillion horns, the occasional flashing light of an okada coming full speed towards my car the wrong way down the road, driver shouting “something do you” to other road users, when in actual fact he was in the wrong, I wondered what more life had to offer than the monotony of a Nine to Five.

A lot of people do things because they believe it is the right thing to do, the natural next step. As they sit in their cars on their daily commutes they plan, or shall I say fantasize about their futures, the tour de force they are going to write, the great artist that they are going to become, the platinum album they are going to release, the social reforms they are going to lead, the retail clothing brand they are going to start. The list is endless. But they are all fantasies till you start working on achieving them.

“Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans”... Before you know it you have spent the best years of your life in the morning rush hour on Kingsway road, or on the Lekki axes, you have consumed truck loads of coffee beans in an attempt to give you that buzz for the days tasks ahead, you have daydreamed through brainstorming meetings, produced trees worth of paperwork none to do with your mighty plans for the future. Life has happened while you were procrastinating, while you were comfortable just being.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, so take that first step and follow your dreams, you will only have yourself to blame when you are in your mid 50’s and full of “what if’s”. I am not suggesting anybody quits their jobs and goes crazy o, just do what makes you happy, or at least have it in sight and within reach. Having said that if your life’s ambition is to get suited and booted every day, crisp shirt, tight tie, money hitting your account every 3rd week of the month - nothing do you, keep doing what you do :)

p.s. – I am absolutely loving http://fusionme.tv at the moment. It’s the new destination for the best Nigerian videos on the internet, check it out.

Xoxo.

Nigerian Social Etiquette

I think I will forever be bemused by new age Nigerian ‘greeting’ etiquette.

The rules in general for greeting people when in public are:

• Greet all people who you deem to be socially superior to you. 3 kisses on the cheek is preferable, 2 will suffice if you are hard pressed for time (i.e. there is another socially superior person about to leave the gathering and you must be seen talking to them before they leave). Quite simply put – Greeting for Social Climbing (Read *Mountaineering *) purposes is key
• It is not compulsory to say hello to somebody even if you have them on your bb, have 73 mutual friends, you are family friends, you spent the whole of the last weekend at their beach house schmoozing with their business partners (they were useful then, assess whether making public your acquaintance will be useful to you now)
• Do not approach anybody sitting alone. They are clearly segregated from the group for a reason. Do not associate yourself with them, it will not work out well
• It is not necessary to say hi to the host of whatever event you are at. Most likely you are not there for them, you are just there for the free drinks, food, and to be seen with their cool friends
• It is absolutely ok to walk up to a group of people chatting, say hi to the person you know and ignore the rest
• You do not have to introduce the person you came with to all your other friends. If they don’t already know them you should already be feeling ashamed for bring an *unknown* out
• It is ok to be over familiar with people you have only just met. Pass sly and acidic comments about their hair do, their lisp, or their wardrobe choices, it is very becoming.
• As a guy it is perfectly ok to barge through a door in front of all the women waiting to pass through it (at the end of the day it’s not like she is your girlfriend or some girl you like – you need only turn on the charm when she is)
• It’s ok to just ignore someone when they say hi to you if you just don’t fell like talking to them
• It gives you more swag points to just pretend that nobody else but you exists
• If the person you are ‘greeting’ doesn’t know who you are, it is expected that you tell them how much of a “bix bwoy” or “bix gel” you are, while you’re at it tell them your annual income, who you parents are, your island mansion co-ordinates this will come in handy to ensure they remember you next time
• Being a sycophant is totally ok, being obsequious will pay off when he/she becomes governor or minister of oil and gas in 10 years, can you spell *CONTRACT*
• It is absolutely ok to have MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, because you said hi to them last night, doesn’t mean you have to today, because yesterday you were the intelligent independent woman setting up an NGO to help orphaned girls realise their potential to achieve greatness without any man, doesn’t mean that today you can’t be the damsel in distress who cannot lift a single finger without assistance. Play it by ear, it’s all just a spot of acting.

I hope you found those rules just as ridiculous as I find watching people who actually follow them on a daily basis. Next time just say “Hi”. 1. Life just isn’t that serious. 2. You are not all that important. 3. They won’t bite (well some may, but if they do you can just bite back).

Xoxo.

Failing Forward

Yesterday morning I was talking to a friend, and I said to him “I think I’ve made all the mistakes I want to make in life” ... and he says whether you want to or not, we never stop making mistakes, and these mistakes will eventually make you a sage. Very wise words.

The same applies to failing. The more you fail, the better you become at what you failed at, because you have a catalogue of the ways not to do it. I will be the first to admit that I have a fear of failure. Not really because I think that life will be over if I fail at something, more because I feel like after putting in all the effort it’s only fair that you don’t fail at it. I just want to do great the first time, and skip all the in between phase. However the way to the greatest heights is through the greatest depths – “There are depths for heights”. If you are afraid of the depths, you *maybe* don’t deserve the heights #JustSayin’.

The truth is that you haven’t failed until you stop trying. “Winners lose more than losers do”, but they become winners, because they weren’t content to just call it a day. They sharpened their knives with their adversity, failures, misfortunes, and went in for the kill again.

It took 10000 tries for the light bulb; Alexander Fleming failed countless times before Penicillin; It took several attempts to put the first man on the moon; Before Boeing 747 there were the Wright brothers; Before Fashola there was ******. The truth is that the best inventions, the greatest minds, and the most formidable achievements / successes failed before they succeeded. I mean wouldn’t you flip the channel if you watched someone who made the greatest discovery after the first try – that’s no story.

So when you fail - try again, fail again, fail better.

Xoxo.

Creative Energy Abused

I am no longer content to just sit at my desk, pretending to focus on what’s behind my computer screen, whereas all that going through my head is: “What on earth are you wearing”

I think the most important thing to note here is that you are at WORK.... not a party, not a wedding, not a fashion show, not a museum for hideous outfits ...its WORK. Yes you have the right to funkify your work wardrobe a bit, but there is a big difference between funky-professional and funky-you-got-it-WRONG.

Ladies:

• Hooker shoes are inappropriate. I know that some of us that are naturally tall can sometimes intimidate those that are vertically challenged. This however does not permit you to wear 12 inch bright red shoes with a thick platform at the front, that is only appropriate for ladies working the streets. Silk or netty shoes are also a no go area for the tall or for the short, I don’t claim to be an arbiter on fashion, but im just gonna put this out there – colours like Bright purple, red, yellow, turquoise, fuchsia, lime green are best kept for the weekend, and I dare say some shouldn’t even be worn at all.
• Silk frilly tops. There may be some that are appropriate, but I believe all guilty parties know the sort that I mean. This sort of top is very nice to wear to a nice romantic dinner, or to a banquet, an evening garden wedding reception, or some other formal event. But for the office, you and I both know this is wrong. I would advise you spice up your social life so that the office is no longer your only avenue for showing off your pretty tops
• Party tops. Couldn’t think of a better way to describe this. Party tops include sheer tops, tops that expose more cleavage than is necessary for daylight hours, tops with gold streaks, silver streaks, cropped tops may be the vogue, but it isn’t office cool, tight tops that squeeze all the blood in your body to your head, sequined tops, i believe you get the picture. This is totally not for work. Well if you worked as a magician’s assistant then perhaps, but for all other formal types of work in an office with a desk that has a formal dress code, I will desist from wearing these if I were you.
• Dresses. Goes without saying, but the dress you wore to deuces on Friday should not be worn on Monday, aside from hygienic reasons; I am guessing it is not appropriate. I am in no position to talk about dresses above the knee, but there is above the knee that just negates anything you have to say, because people are focused on how you look and not what you’re saying. In the workplace you should be admired for what comes out of your mouth, and what’s between your two ears, not the amount of skin you show, how long your legs are, or how much cleavage you let hang out. Aside from length concerns: If it’s not your size, get the size up, if the lycra is slack, chuck it, if it is transparent wear a slip (if you own one – I never did till my mum forced one on me – seems rather middle aged, but if it prevents us from seeing your underwear, I am in support).
• Hair / Makeup. Again, I have no authority in this area. But I will say this: Because Beyonce wore a particular hair style to perform at the MTV Awards, does not make it appropriate for everyday wear. It was for a PERFORMANCE, a SHOW, not an everyday hair style. Same applies to make up, camel lashes however pretty they make you look, are not for everyday wear. Even people in Hollywood do not wear them daily; I don’t know how it became acceptable here. I know my E-doll doesn’t agree, but eye shadow during the daytime (pinks, purples, blues) are not appropriate, perhaps nude colours can be excused, but i don’t think it is very professional for your face to look like a painters canvas at a high powered meeting.

You may think you look nice wearing all this to work, others may tell you that you look nice, I’m not saying that you don’t, all I’m saying is it is not appropriate for work. Simplicity is the ultimate form of sophistication. If you have no elegant work appropriate clothes in your wardrobe may I suggest you visit the folk at #Grey, they will sort you out.

GENTLEMEN:

No you haven’t gotten away. You make some office faux pas too. Significantly less than the ladies, but worthy of a mention.

• It’s very easy to believe that nobody will notice that you are wearing the same suit every day. It may be black, but we noticed. Please endeavour to dry clean once in a while, and maybe throw in some greys, tans, navy blue trousers and blazers every once in a while.
• Be brave with your shirt choices, but curb your excitement a bit ... those shirts that have a bit of a shine to them, silk patterned shirts, lime greens are extremely unattractive, pink is nice, I would shy away from fuchsia though.
• Tight trousers. If they pucker at the pockets they are not your size. Enough said.
• This is just my personal opinion, not sure what the general perception on this one is: but wearing a bow tie to work EVERYDAY, or even at all is VERY hard to pull off. Please do not attempt this if you cannot carry it off.
• Traditional on Fridays – you can recycle, but maybe don’t wear the same one every Friday, there are some prints that are clearly more feminine than masculine – avoid these, rubber nike slippers with trad is in no way acceptable, its dress down, but you are not selling gum at the corner of the street, so please endeavour to look a bit professional.

Have fun with getting dressed for work, get creative, but don’t go parking diagonally in a parallel universe – That is an abuse of your creative energy.

Xoxo.