Nigerian Social Etiquette

I think I will forever be bemused by new age Nigerian ‘greeting’ etiquette.

The rules in general for greeting people when in public are:

• Greet all people who you deem to be socially superior to you. 3 kisses on the cheek is preferable, 2 will suffice if you are hard pressed for time (i.e. there is another socially superior person about to leave the gathering and you must be seen talking to them before they leave). Quite simply put – Greeting for Social Climbing (Read *Mountaineering *) purposes is key
• It is not compulsory to say hello to somebody even if you have them on your bb, have 73 mutual friends, you are family friends, you spent the whole of the last weekend at their beach house schmoozing with their business partners (they were useful then, assess whether making public your acquaintance will be useful to you now)
• Do not approach anybody sitting alone. They are clearly segregated from the group for a reason. Do not associate yourself with them, it will not work out well
• It is not necessary to say hi to the host of whatever event you are at. Most likely you are not there for them, you are just there for the free drinks, food, and to be seen with their cool friends
• It is absolutely ok to walk up to a group of people chatting, say hi to the person you know and ignore the rest
• You do not have to introduce the person you came with to all your other friends. If they don’t already know them you should already be feeling ashamed for bring an *unknown* out
• It is ok to be over familiar with people you have only just met. Pass sly and acidic comments about their hair do, their lisp, or their wardrobe choices, it is very becoming.
• As a guy it is perfectly ok to barge through a door in front of all the women waiting to pass through it (at the end of the day it’s not like she is your girlfriend or some girl you like – you need only turn on the charm when she is)
• It’s ok to just ignore someone when they say hi to you if you just don’t fell like talking to them
• It gives you more swag points to just pretend that nobody else but you exists
• If the person you are ‘greeting’ doesn’t know who you are, it is expected that you tell them how much of a “bix bwoy” or “bix gel” you are, while you’re at it tell them your annual income, who you parents are, your island mansion co-ordinates this will come in handy to ensure they remember you next time
• Being a sycophant is totally ok, being obsequious will pay off when he/she becomes governor or minister of oil and gas in 10 years, can you spell *CONTRACT*
• It is absolutely ok to have MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, because you said hi to them last night, doesn’t mean you have to today, because yesterday you were the intelligent independent woman setting up an NGO to help orphaned girls realise their potential to achieve greatness without any man, doesn’t mean that today you can’t be the damsel in distress who cannot lift a single finger without assistance. Play it by ear, it’s all just a spot of acting.

I hope you found those rules just as ridiculous as I find watching people who actually follow them on a daily basis. Next time just say “Hi”. 1. Life just isn’t that serious. 2. You are not all that important. 3. They won’t bite (well some may, but if they do you can just bite back).

Xoxo.