The Emperors New Clothes

Lagos is the home of EFEEZY. EFEEEZY on crack even. And unfortunately I have to call my own people out here, us Yoruba’s are the worst for this. Our domestic product is “O wa mbe”. The literal translation for none Yoruba speakers is – “It is there” – i.e. That’s where the party’s at, that’s where all the happening people are at, and if you aint there then you just aint hip. This culture of Owambe has become so ingrained in the Nigerian psyche that people will go to any lengths to show that they too are ‘there’, they have arrived. I am not just talking about with parties, with life in general. It has become the norm for Nigerians to be showwwy people. We drive the flashiest cars on bad roads, wear the best clothes to shabby offices, We travel to the best places whilst our country lays in ruins. We always stand out in any crowd.

Recently I was watching an episode of the BBC documentary on Lagos, that followed the day to day life of some quite hard pressed Lagosians. The documentary (in my opinion) aimed to show the resilience of the Lagosian to overcome adversity. That was what I took away from it the first time I watched it. But the second time I watched it a few days ago what struck me was a side story of one of the workers at the dump who was quite literally scrambling for ends meet. However for his daughters 1st birthday he was insistent on throwing a massive birthday bash, and kept going on about how the whole community must respect him for that party. A few weeks back I also heard a story about a lady who lost her husband unexpectedly, he was the bread winner, and his death left the family in a very hard situation, however the wife insisted that she must throw a party far beyond her means and at the expense of the already struggling families’ future.

Whilst I understand the desire to celebrate the life of a child, or the memory of a life purloined by early death, I cannot claim to understand why we as Nigerians must go beyond our means to do so, push out the boat so far we can’t even swim out to reach it. We are so busy tooting our own horns, beating our chests, calling attention to ourselves, name dropping so people recognise us and our catalogue of achievements. We believe that if we shout enough about what we have, what we’ve done, where we’ve been, who we’ve met we will gain more respect. We parade proudly down the streets in our fictional regalia like the proverbial emperor in his new clothes seeking to be praised, acknowledged, accepted and revered.

True achievement, success, wealth (not money), happiness, and joy is silent, it whispers, its HUMBLE, it doesn’t call attention to itself, it is guided by a strong sense of values, it knows that there are many little boy’s that can see the emperors nakedness, and most importantly it does not need praise.

Somewhere along the line we (as Nigerians) have lost our values, we have placed more importance on material things, ostentatious displays, and grand facades. We need to re-route ourselves asap.

Xoxo.

p.s. Congratulations to my Absomaze cousin Dr. Eso on her graduation.

Pieces of String

Life is like a piece of string.

Different lengths, different colours, different textures, some thick, some thin. That’s what we are all like – DIFFERENT. Built to do different things, some lives are longer than others, some are like candles in the wind – blown out far too early, some people are born great, some people achieve greatness, others have greatness thrust upon them, and others are supporters of the great, No one better than the other, everyone unique, and PERFECT for their own purpose.

Imagine wrapping a birthday gift with one of those thick industrial wire chords (a string of sorts). The wrapping paper will get damaged, the gift will no longer be concealed, and not to mention it will be an eye sore. Yet we do this every day. We try to be someone that we are not, achieve the things we were not born to achieve, reach heights that are not our destinies, follow paths that are not our own, beat someone at a race that isn’t ours (I could do a 100 meter sprint quite easily, but if I attempted a marathon I would collapse after the first half mile, only air lift go fit commot me from there). We do these things either in a bid to find happiness or in an attempt to impress someone else. And the result of that is even more severe unhappiness than you started off with.

One can NEVER (and I say in no uncertain terms) be good at what someone else is meant for, you can only ever be good at what YOU are meant to do. Mr. Me Too syndrome is a common Nigerian problem. Kabir just started a business selling boiled cows blood (I saw it on Welcome to Lagos), so you too must start selling boiled blood but instead you will go for ram blood, after all ram is more expensive your profit go pass his own. Your cousins best friend Lovette is making a killing from selling Armenian hair extensions, you too go start your own business, stick on Armenian eyebrows (everybody wants to look like the Kardashians shebi, why stop at their hair). Then you are shocked when you are badly in debt trying to copy somebody else’s’ well thought out idea.

We can’t all be investment bankers, we can’t all be top shot business school graduates, we can’t all be entrepreneurs, we can’t all be musicians, fashion designers, Computer nerds, high flying consultants, great graphic designers, Michelin starred chefs, or even actors... Find what your good at, and work yourself to death getting better at it, and making it succeed. That and only that will make you happy.

Xoxo.

Picture (KeywordPictures)

My Bucket List

So recently everyone seems to be sharing with me what they have on their bucket list. I was having a chat with one of my fave people in the world (TJ) and I was telling her I just don’t have a bucket list, and it is really bad that there is nothing I am dying to do before I die (no pun intended).

I don’t want to jump out of a plane; I really may kick the bucket if I did that. I don’t want to run a marathon; I don’t see how that’s exciting. I don’t want to fly a plane; I am sure I will vom all over the cock pit. I’m just too much of a coward for all these over the top things. So I have spent the day thinking about a more me, down to earth, REALISTIC Bucket List.

1. So my biggest secret in the whole entire world, actually just my parents, my brothers, 1 of my cousins, the people my brothers have snitched to know this, and now YOU. But.... drumrolllllllllllll.... I never learnt to ride a bicycle. It’s the most ridiculous and single most embarrassing thing EVER. But I have an acute fear for failure, and both my brothers learnt to ride bicycles before me, and I just couldn’t cope with this, so I pretended that I knew how to ride one and I just wasn’t interested anymore because the challenging part was done with. THE TRUTH – I never learnt. I finally admitted this to Ads, himself and my dad tried to teach me last year but they both failed. Sooooooooo before I kick the bucket I would love to learn to ride a bike.
2. Three places I would really love to go to, but have never found a travelling buddy – Sao Paolo, Tokyo and Hong Kong. Not very exotic, but as you may have picked up I am extremely fascinated by the human mind, I think it’s the most amazing part of the human anatomy – and I think that my mind will be totally blown away in Tokyo and Hong Kong. Brazil just seems like a beautiful place, with beautiful people, awesome food, and great music
3. I’d love to have dinner at the Archipelago restaurant in London. Really not all that out there, always wanted to go, but I never get round to it.
4. This one is not as realistic as the rest, but I would love to win a Nobel Prize for Literature for the tour de force book I have written in my head. I won’t be disappointed with an Orange Booker Award though
5. I’d love to have a 1 hour segment / interview about me on CNN ... Not yet decided what about, nothing controversial though. I’m a bit Camera shy, but will work on that
6. I’d like to work at a magazine or media house, doing some kind of writing or editorial work, getting to interview and meet great minds, and sharpen my mind.
7. Three women (of colour) I have stalked online and greatly admire I can’t even explain why, they are just amazing to me. Michele Obama, Khanyi Dholmo, and Ndidi Nwuneli. I would love to have lunch with them some day. Separately. I will explode if I had to condense the questions I have for all of them into one lunch.
8. Like I said before I am a bit of a coward so I won’t ever jump out of a plane but i’d like to deep dive or something, swim with dolphins etc. I think that’ll be pretty amazing
9. I’d like to learn some random languages.
10. I have a burning ache (for lack of a better word) for under privileged children, that have no hope for a better future, poor educations, kids that have been robbed of their childhoods because of circumstance(they can’t ride bicycles cause they don’t have any not because they were too scared to), ill kids in pain, I’d like to do something to better their situations and lot in life
11. I’d love to see the Egyptian pyramids. The mental work that would have gone into designing the pyramids really amazes me.
12. I also want to go to Pompeii, a bit random but I missed a school trip there once and always wanted to go at some point
13. I’d like to go on a hot air balloon ride thing overlooking a Safari in Kenya or something.
14. I don’t want to climb mount Everest, but I would like to be taken up in some kind of helicopter or whatever flies up that high, air lifted and dropped off so I can see the view from up there
15. I want to cross a long wooden bridge over a large drop, like you see in films (like in Thor, but with wood and string); I dream about this a lot actually. It’ll be a bit scary but the adrenalin rush will be awesome.
16. I want to go to L.A. Never been to the west coast before. Quite keen to go.
17. I want to have 2 kids. (A girl and A boy)
18. I’d love to genuinely laugh until I cry plenty more times than I already have
19. Just because I diss them so much I’d like to get a hair weave, even if its just for 10 minutes
20. I’d like to make my parents realllllly happy, by giving them something that they have always wanted (See number 17 mum – pick something else)

annnnnndddddd.... I'd like to share a massive secret with the world, that must be liberating!!!! I guess I can cross that one off now (see number 1)

I’m gonna stop there, that’s as much personal sharing as I care to do, the rest are far too hilarious and / or personal for blogs. But I will keep working on my bucket list over the next few days, months, years as TJ pointed out in our chat, it is very amusing / thought provoking.

What’s on your bucket list????????

Xoxo.

Nyne to Fyve

As I sat in my car this morning, with the standard drone of a gazillion horns, the occasional flashing light of an okada coming full speed towards my car the wrong way down the road, driver shouting “something do you” to other road users, when in actual fact he was in the wrong, I wondered what more life had to offer than the monotony of a Nine to Five.

A lot of people do things because they believe it is the right thing to do, the natural next step. As they sit in their cars on their daily commutes they plan, or shall I say fantasize about their futures, the tour de force they are going to write, the great artist that they are going to become, the platinum album they are going to release, the social reforms they are going to lead, the retail clothing brand they are going to start. The list is endless. But they are all fantasies till you start working on achieving them.

“Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans”... Before you know it you have spent the best years of your life in the morning rush hour on Kingsway road, or on the Lekki axes, you have consumed truck loads of coffee beans in an attempt to give you that buzz for the days tasks ahead, you have daydreamed through brainstorming meetings, produced trees worth of paperwork none to do with your mighty plans for the future. Life has happened while you were procrastinating, while you were comfortable just being.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, so take that first step and follow your dreams, you will only have yourself to blame when you are in your mid 50’s and full of “what if’s”. I am not suggesting anybody quits their jobs and goes crazy o, just do what makes you happy, or at least have it in sight and within reach. Having said that if your life’s ambition is to get suited and booted every day, crisp shirt, tight tie, money hitting your account every 3rd week of the month - nothing do you, keep doing what you do :)

p.s. – I am absolutely loving http://fusionme.tv at the moment. It’s the new destination for the best Nigerian videos on the internet, check it out.

Xoxo.

Nigerian Social Etiquette

I think I will forever be bemused by new age Nigerian ‘greeting’ etiquette.

The rules in general for greeting people when in public are:

• Greet all people who you deem to be socially superior to you. 3 kisses on the cheek is preferable, 2 will suffice if you are hard pressed for time (i.e. there is another socially superior person about to leave the gathering and you must be seen talking to them before they leave). Quite simply put – Greeting for Social Climbing (Read *Mountaineering *) purposes is key
• It is not compulsory to say hello to somebody even if you have them on your bb, have 73 mutual friends, you are family friends, you spent the whole of the last weekend at their beach house schmoozing with their business partners (they were useful then, assess whether making public your acquaintance will be useful to you now)
• Do not approach anybody sitting alone. They are clearly segregated from the group for a reason. Do not associate yourself with them, it will not work out well
• It is not necessary to say hi to the host of whatever event you are at. Most likely you are not there for them, you are just there for the free drinks, food, and to be seen with their cool friends
• It is absolutely ok to walk up to a group of people chatting, say hi to the person you know and ignore the rest
• You do not have to introduce the person you came with to all your other friends. If they don’t already know them you should already be feeling ashamed for bring an *unknown* out
• It is ok to be over familiar with people you have only just met. Pass sly and acidic comments about their hair do, their lisp, or their wardrobe choices, it is very becoming.
• As a guy it is perfectly ok to barge through a door in front of all the women waiting to pass through it (at the end of the day it’s not like she is your girlfriend or some girl you like – you need only turn on the charm when she is)
• It’s ok to just ignore someone when they say hi to you if you just don’t fell like talking to them
• It gives you more swag points to just pretend that nobody else but you exists
• If the person you are ‘greeting’ doesn’t know who you are, it is expected that you tell them how much of a “bix bwoy” or “bix gel” you are, while you’re at it tell them your annual income, who you parents are, your island mansion co-ordinates this will come in handy to ensure they remember you next time
• Being a sycophant is totally ok, being obsequious will pay off when he/she becomes governor or minister of oil and gas in 10 years, can you spell *CONTRACT*
• It is absolutely ok to have MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, because you said hi to them last night, doesn’t mean you have to today, because yesterday you were the intelligent independent woman setting up an NGO to help orphaned girls realise their potential to achieve greatness without any man, doesn’t mean that today you can’t be the damsel in distress who cannot lift a single finger without assistance. Play it by ear, it’s all just a spot of acting.

I hope you found those rules just as ridiculous as I find watching people who actually follow them on a daily basis. Next time just say “Hi”. 1. Life just isn’t that serious. 2. You are not all that important. 3. They won’t bite (well some may, but if they do you can just bite back).

Xoxo.

Failing Forward

Yesterday morning I was talking to a friend, and I said to him “I think I’ve made all the mistakes I want to make in life” ... and he says whether you want to or not, we never stop making mistakes, and these mistakes will eventually make you a sage. Very wise words.

The same applies to failing. The more you fail, the better you become at what you failed at, because you have a catalogue of the ways not to do it. I will be the first to admit that I have a fear of failure. Not really because I think that life will be over if I fail at something, more because I feel like after putting in all the effort it’s only fair that you don’t fail at it. I just want to do great the first time, and skip all the in between phase. However the way to the greatest heights is through the greatest depths – “There are depths for heights”. If you are afraid of the depths, you *maybe* don’t deserve the heights #JustSayin’.

The truth is that you haven’t failed until you stop trying. “Winners lose more than losers do”, but they become winners, because they weren’t content to just call it a day. They sharpened their knives with their adversity, failures, misfortunes, and went in for the kill again.

It took 10000 tries for the light bulb; Alexander Fleming failed countless times before Penicillin; It took several attempts to put the first man on the moon; Before Boeing 747 there were the Wright brothers; Before Fashola there was ******. The truth is that the best inventions, the greatest minds, and the most formidable achievements / successes failed before they succeeded. I mean wouldn’t you flip the channel if you watched someone who made the greatest discovery after the first try – that’s no story.

So when you fail - try again, fail again, fail better.

Xoxo.

Creative Energy Abused

I am no longer content to just sit at my desk, pretending to focus on what’s behind my computer screen, whereas all that going through my head is: “What on earth are you wearing”

I think the most important thing to note here is that you are at WORK.... not a party, not a wedding, not a fashion show, not a museum for hideous outfits ...its WORK. Yes you have the right to funkify your work wardrobe a bit, but there is a big difference between funky-professional and funky-you-got-it-WRONG.

Ladies:

• Hooker shoes are inappropriate. I know that some of us that are naturally tall can sometimes intimidate those that are vertically challenged. This however does not permit you to wear 12 inch bright red shoes with a thick platform at the front, that is only appropriate for ladies working the streets. Silk or netty shoes are also a no go area for the tall or for the short, I don’t claim to be an arbiter on fashion, but im just gonna put this out there – colours like Bright purple, red, yellow, turquoise, fuchsia, lime green are best kept for the weekend, and I dare say some shouldn’t even be worn at all.
• Silk frilly tops. There may be some that are appropriate, but I believe all guilty parties know the sort that I mean. This sort of top is very nice to wear to a nice romantic dinner, or to a banquet, an evening garden wedding reception, or some other formal event. But for the office, you and I both know this is wrong. I would advise you spice up your social life so that the office is no longer your only avenue for showing off your pretty tops
• Party tops. Couldn’t think of a better way to describe this. Party tops include sheer tops, tops that expose more cleavage than is necessary for daylight hours, tops with gold streaks, silver streaks, cropped tops may be the vogue, but it isn’t office cool, tight tops that squeeze all the blood in your body to your head, sequined tops, i believe you get the picture. This is totally not for work. Well if you worked as a magician’s assistant then perhaps, but for all other formal types of work in an office with a desk that has a formal dress code, I will desist from wearing these if I were you.
• Dresses. Goes without saying, but the dress you wore to deuces on Friday should not be worn on Monday, aside from hygienic reasons; I am guessing it is not appropriate. I am in no position to talk about dresses above the knee, but there is above the knee that just negates anything you have to say, because people are focused on how you look and not what you’re saying. In the workplace you should be admired for what comes out of your mouth, and what’s between your two ears, not the amount of skin you show, how long your legs are, or how much cleavage you let hang out. Aside from length concerns: If it’s not your size, get the size up, if the lycra is slack, chuck it, if it is transparent wear a slip (if you own one – I never did till my mum forced one on me – seems rather middle aged, but if it prevents us from seeing your underwear, I am in support).
• Hair / Makeup. Again, I have no authority in this area. But I will say this: Because Beyonce wore a particular hair style to perform at the MTV Awards, does not make it appropriate for everyday wear. It was for a PERFORMANCE, a SHOW, not an everyday hair style. Same applies to make up, camel lashes however pretty they make you look, are not for everyday wear. Even people in Hollywood do not wear them daily; I don’t know how it became acceptable here. I know my E-doll doesn’t agree, but eye shadow during the daytime (pinks, purples, blues) are not appropriate, perhaps nude colours can be excused, but i don’t think it is very professional for your face to look like a painters canvas at a high powered meeting.

You may think you look nice wearing all this to work, others may tell you that you look nice, I’m not saying that you don’t, all I’m saying is it is not appropriate for work. Simplicity is the ultimate form of sophistication. If you have no elegant work appropriate clothes in your wardrobe may I suggest you visit the folk at #Grey, they will sort you out.

GENTLEMEN:

No you haven’t gotten away. You make some office faux pas too. Significantly less than the ladies, but worthy of a mention.

• It’s very easy to believe that nobody will notice that you are wearing the same suit every day. It may be black, but we noticed. Please endeavour to dry clean once in a while, and maybe throw in some greys, tans, navy blue trousers and blazers every once in a while.
• Be brave with your shirt choices, but curb your excitement a bit ... those shirts that have a bit of a shine to them, silk patterned shirts, lime greens are extremely unattractive, pink is nice, I would shy away from fuchsia though.
• Tight trousers. If they pucker at the pockets they are not your size. Enough said.
• This is just my personal opinion, not sure what the general perception on this one is: but wearing a bow tie to work EVERYDAY, or even at all is VERY hard to pull off. Please do not attempt this if you cannot carry it off.
• Traditional on Fridays – you can recycle, but maybe don’t wear the same one every Friday, there are some prints that are clearly more feminine than masculine – avoid these, rubber nike slippers with trad is in no way acceptable, its dress down, but you are not selling gum at the corner of the street, so please endeavour to look a bit professional.

Have fun with getting dressed for work, get creative, but don’t go parking diagonally in a parallel universe – That is an abuse of your creative energy.

Xoxo.