So one of my friends had some issues with her car recently, and we were talking about how much this has really inconvenienced her, and she said: oh but surprisingly the guys have been so good about it, they pick me up if they are going out, they've just been so kind etc etc. I'm not sure if I've told her this before, but this friend is just one of those nice people that always sees not just the bright side in life but the AWESOME side. So while she sees the awesome in this, I hope there are others like me that see something very off, salmon sashimi gone green off. I shall explain...
Back in the day when my aunts were picked up by their friends, clad in winkle picker shoes and "half tops" or whatever was the vogue in that day and age, my grandfather apparently used to say to them "all this midnight gallivanting with penniless adventurers has to stop" . For as long as I have known there has always been a "penniless adventurer", when you are midnight gallivanting you are typically picked up by a male friend, family friend, cousin, as poe's dad says "intended", a guy sha..... But somewhere between 2008 and now that penniless adventurer has been taken away and us ladies have just been left with midnight gallivanting.
It is now the norm for a group of girls to go out and drive themselves, or to go out with a mixed bag of girls and boys and nobody will be shocked in any way if you drove yourself out and intend to drive yourself back at 4am. Somewhere along the line something changed, I'm not sure if we grew up or we became more independent.
When my friend was so impressed at actually being picked up by her male friends because she had car issues, it made me think, is that really something to be impressed by, or something we should (not in a cocky way) expect. Once upon a time it was unheard of that a young lady should be driving after 7 p.m., now its the reverse if she's picked up, it's like trees started growing red leaves awesome. Women may not like me for this, but I really do believe there is a certain responsibility and safety that a man carries, that women need, not just on a night out but daily, and that has been totally overlooked in the present times, and women try to do everything alone. Yes We can drive, yes we can pay for our own drinks, but the question is should we have to? I feel there is far more to it than female emancipation, independence, it also strips men of their responsibilities, responsibilities women will later complain in marriage that their husbands shun. But the reality is when we took it from them in friendship, courtship, etc, the instinct completely died and it will be hard to retrain themselves to do it again.
I know bb's must be flying, tongues must be wagging right now, but I am talking to myself too. As I type, I have just driven myself back from a late dinner / drinks. I don't like relying on other people so the ability to drive myself at night has been awesome for me, I also like to pay (or at least offer to pay, and most def ALWAYS carry "vex money") for my own drinks, food etc, so I don't seem like a "goldie" but maybe it's something I shouldn't get too comfortable doing.
Chivalry is not dead. If it is, it should be resurrected. The role of men in a society is very important, as women we shouldn't try to underplay that in our strive to be independent. You men may not like this either, but you have really "dulled" on protecting and being responsible for the females in your life. I think it's time we all STEP UP. Step up our expectations of men, Step up our respect for women.
Though its slightly after midnight on 04.03, Happy Birthday to my favourite Pisces. You know who you are. Ironically this is the one guy I know that is still baffled by women paying, and driving themselves at night.
Xoxo.
P.s. Based on comments, bb's, tweets, I see that people are mixing me up a bit. If you are not on a date with the guy, you should NOT expect him to pay, he is not Robin Hood. However driving to pick me up if you invited me out, opening doors, sleiging rats, walking on the outisde of the road, is something I expect from EVERY MAN! It may be old fashioned, but it is the least you can do.
Oooo I must point out the paying its not that chicks should be going out and they expect male friends to pay. The paying should only be if there is something more than friendship, and I even believe when ur dating the girl should still chip in every now and again. Before y'all go and misquote me. Demzzzzz xoxo.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!!! omg! im in total agreeance (if that word exist)....call me old school but im a strong believer of Chivalry and guys paying for dinner and opening doors etc..and yes sometimes the ladies should chip in and offer to pay..but guys shouldnt get it twisted..men are meant to protect their lady friends..and nope im not a goldie i work hard for my every dollar..lol
ReplyDeleteI agree in "moderate" chivalry - paying for dinner, picking the girl up, buying drinks. But opening doors and pulling her chair out, etc is all pretentious. But this fact that women are more independent shouldnt be perceived as a negative thing. I actually believe chivalry still exists but in a modern form - like the new age chivalry, like following your tweets, adding you as a friend on facebook, following your blogs. haha. Ok, I'm ranting, but Chivalry is great as long as its in moderation because it just becomes pretentious after a while...great topic though. Im going to go find some food with the fiancee, and I'll make her pay for her own meal!!
ReplyDeleteChivalry according to the dictionary:
ReplyDelete1. the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
2. the rules and customs of medieval knighthood.
It’s interesting how the definition of a word changes over time. Chivalry is no exception. No where in there did it say anything about knights slaying dragons and walking across the mote before a dinner of boar meat and foot wine, or kneeling over so that a woman can step onto their back and up onto the horse. You also didn’t see anything about holding or opening doors.The only definition that seemed applicable today was the first one, which mentioned courtesy and generosity; 2 words that aren’t exclusive to either gender.
Now let me play Devil's advocate for a minute. Chivalry is dead today and guess who killed it(him/her)..Women,....and not just any kind of woman....the modern day Miss Independent.
Like a male friend told me "Women, You cannot be independent, “I can do sh* by myself”, and “I don’t need a man” … and still expect for us to cater and pamper you!"
He has a point. Nowadays, most ladies, including myself like to paint a picture of i can do it all, drive at 4am etc, what happened to us picking the phone and telling whichever dude is in the group we are hanging out with to pick us up? Men are not going to offer because they are no longer being taught what Chivalry really entails.
However, there are basic elements of chivalry that all men should practice and as women we should not expect less.......opening doors, paying when they offer to take us out (except there is a mutual agreement beforehand to split), offering seats, driving us home late at night, leave the toilet seat down(yea i just had to add that)
For the record, I already don’t expect men to open my door, give up their seats, and all that good stuff. I appreciate it when it happens, but I damn sure don’t expect it....sad but that's the way i feel about this generation
I think that chivalry is really just one part manners and one part treating a woman like she is valued and ladies there is no harm in telling men how to be chivalrous because trust me, the generation today don't really understand that word...:)
Funmi
As expected I have gotten the most interesting comments on bbm.
ReplyDeleteOne of my friends said that today relative to the 70's or 80's women are working and in many cases earning more than the men, so if a guy who knows he is earning less than a girl he is outbwith how can he be expected to pay. So I'll come back to the comment I made earlier, and in fact maybe I should edit the post and ut it in there! When it comes to friends in that situation, and even in the reverse where the man is paid more, both people should pay for their own stuff. But if these two people were on a date, the lady should still pay once in a while! But no matter how modern, 21st century, new age whatever you wanna call it you are, (I am no expert in marriage) it will ALWAYS cause problems if the lady always pays for everythin in marriage, because the man will feel emasculated. This is about paying an money.
In terms of driving, opening doors, walking on the outside of the road, sleiging dragons, rats, always being closest to the door in case of intruders...ALLL men should do that, no exemptions. I honestly judge men on these things as friends, and as people, if I'm walking down the road with you and I'm walking along the outside, I may not say anything but in my head I have already filed you as rude. I am very old fashioned in that respect.
As funmi said! Chivalry is dead, and it's cause women killed it.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI've read the above comments, and I made a comment on twitter about the part where you mentioned the instinct dying out in men during friendship and courtship etc. When I was reading the comments one of my friends came to mind. I think he is a good example of modern chivalry and I have to use the word 'modern' to illustrate that women have changed and so the concept of chivalry has also had to change
ReplyDeleteHmm..
ReplyDeleteNothing grinds my gears more than walking with a man who doesn't stop to escort you across the road. I love to feel protected - and as ancient as it may sound - that really is part of a man's responsibility.
On the other hand, when it comes to things such as paying for bills, etc, I do NOT expect my guy friends to pay for me, and it kinda baffles me when other women expect them to. Yes, it is nice, but err this should definitely not be mandatory.
If you do happen to be in a relationship, and you and your significant other both have jobs, I do believe the man should be the one reaching for the bill more often than not...
just my 2 cents