So one of my friends had some issues with her car recently, and we were talking about how much this has really inconvenienced her, and she said: oh but surprisingly the guys have been so good about it, they pick me up if they are going out, they've just been so kind etc etc. I'm not sure if I've told her this before, but this friend is just one of those nice people that always sees not just the bright side in life but the AWESOME side. So while she sees the awesome in this, I hope there are others like me that see something very off, salmon sashimi gone green off. I shall explain...
Back in the day when my aunts were picked up by their friends, clad in winkle picker shoes and "half tops" or whatever was the vogue in that day and age, my grandfather apparently used to say to them "all this midnight gallivanting with penniless adventurers has to stop" . For as long as I have known there has always been a "penniless adventurer", when you are midnight gallivanting you are typically picked up by a male friend, family friend, cousin, as poe's dad says "intended", a guy sha..... But somewhere between 2008 and now that penniless adventurer has been taken away and us ladies have just been left with midnight gallivanting.
It is now the norm for a group of girls to go out and drive themselves, or to go out with a mixed bag of girls and boys and nobody will be shocked in any way if you drove yourself out and intend to drive yourself back at 4am. Somewhere along the line something changed, I'm not sure if we grew up or we became more independent.
When my friend was so impressed at actually being picked up by her male friends because she had car issues, it made me think, is that really something to be impressed by, or something we should (not in a cocky way) expect. Once upon a time it was unheard of that a young lady should be driving after 7 p.m., now its the reverse if she's picked up, it's like trees started growing red leaves awesome. Women may not like me for this, but I really do believe there is a certain responsibility and safety that a man carries, that women need, not just on a night out but daily, and that has been totally overlooked in the present times, and women try to do everything alone. Yes We can drive, yes we can pay for our own drinks, but the question is should we have to? I feel there is far more to it than female emancipation, independence, it also strips men of their responsibilities, responsibilities women will later complain in marriage that their husbands shun. But the reality is when we took it from them in friendship, courtship, etc, the instinct completely died and it will be hard to retrain themselves to do it again.
I know bb's must be flying, tongues must be wagging right now, but I am talking to myself too. As I type, I have just driven myself back from a late dinner / drinks. I don't like relying on other people so the ability to drive myself at night has been awesome for me, I also like to pay (or at least offer to pay, and most def ALWAYS carry "vex money") for my own drinks, food etc, so I don't seem like a "goldie" but maybe it's something I shouldn't get too comfortable doing.
Chivalry is not dead. If it is, it should be resurrected. The role of men in a society is very important, as women we shouldn't try to underplay that in our strive to be independent. You men may not like this either, but you have really "dulled" on protecting and being responsible for the females in your life. I think it's time we all STEP UP. Step up our expectations of men, Step up our respect for women.
Though its slightly after midnight on 04.03, Happy Birthday to my favourite Pisces. You know who you are. Ironically this is the one guy I know that is still baffled by women paying, and driving themselves at night.
Xoxo.
P.s. Based on comments, bb's, tweets, I see that people are mixing me up a bit. If you are not on a date with the guy, you should NOT expect him to pay, he is not Robin Hood. However driving to pick me up if you invited me out, opening doors, sleiging rats, walking on the outisde of the road, is something I expect from EVERY MAN! It may be old fashioned, but it is the least you can do.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Back on your pedestal
Every Nigerian has their own pedestal. Something they have done, they have achieved, they were born into, something that they stand on and it gives them a sense of belonging, a right to boast, it sets them above everyone else (even if it’s just in their heads). Since everyone has one though, it holds no water your just having one, the emphasis now lays on how elaborate your pedestal is, the grandeur of its design, how many grooves it has, how tall it is, how wide it is.
Why have I titled the post “back on your pedestal”? Because the same person on their high horse in Naije, is a totally different person elsewhere. This is most evident when you are flying into Lagos, the same person that stood in a queue at Heathrow Terminal 5, the same person that waited his turn, arrives at MMA and is pushing his way to the front of the immigration with his personal protocol officer, high off the stench of his self endowed entitlement and grandiose. For some reason the largeness, bigness he feels now that he is on home soil was lacking when he was ‘abroad’, he’s “Back on his pedestal”
Why is this? Are we Nigerians kidding ourselves? Are we living some kind of lie? It’s like we are actors, when we are abroad we are ourselves, when we land back in Giddi, we step into character, and begin to live out our fantasies on our pedestals that are the makings of our mind... Nigerians are just delusional!!!!!
People are throwing around comments like: “Do you know who I am”, “Do you know who my father is”, “Standing on my wallet I am the tallest person in the room” , “I earn more in a day than you ear in a year” ... I could really quote more, but I don’t want to tread on the wrong toes, but really these things are true, people do say things like this, it isn’t off the Hills, or Gossip Girl, This is Nigeria TIN. I am tempted to say that we are watching too much television, that DSTV has created a new type of Nigerian, but the truth is that we have been like this from before I was even born, it has been part of the Nigerian make up for the last 3 decades. I think the Yorubas call it “Fari” or sumfink like that.
I think most people are quite scared of how they would be viewed by their ‘mates’ if they were not perceived to be on some superior level, they think they will be laughed at if they are not met at the airport with one trillion mobile police, a pilot car, they live in fear that if they said they are sitting the night out because they can’t afford to spend hundreds of thousands on champagne that will be in their loo bowl before they go to bed people will delete them from their bb’s. Here is the ground breaking news, if that really affects your ‘friendships’, then they aint your actual friends, and they only hang out with you because they want to look good by association. (I could write a whole new post on looking good by association. So I won’t bell this cat right now.)
Get off your high horses Nigerians, you may be a bit dizzy when you first step off, but life is far more fun from down ‘ere, its a good ol’ laugh looking up and laughing at the tools galloping away on their Trojan horses, and even a bigger laugh when they realise that their horse wasn’t as pretty as it first appeared, or when they fall off.
Xoxo.
Why have I titled the post “back on your pedestal”? Because the same person on their high horse in Naije, is a totally different person elsewhere. This is most evident when you are flying into Lagos, the same person that stood in a queue at Heathrow Terminal 5, the same person that waited his turn, arrives at MMA and is pushing his way to the front of the immigration with his personal protocol officer, high off the stench of his self endowed entitlement and grandiose. For some reason the largeness, bigness he feels now that he is on home soil was lacking when he was ‘abroad’, he’s “Back on his pedestal”
Why is this? Are we Nigerians kidding ourselves? Are we living some kind of lie? It’s like we are actors, when we are abroad we are ourselves, when we land back in Giddi, we step into character, and begin to live out our fantasies on our pedestals that are the makings of our mind... Nigerians are just delusional!!!!!
People are throwing around comments like: “Do you know who I am”, “Do you know who my father is”, “Standing on my wallet I am the tallest person in the room” , “I earn more in a day than you ear in a year” ... I could really quote more, but I don’t want to tread on the wrong toes, but really these things are true, people do say things like this, it isn’t off the Hills, or Gossip Girl, This is Nigeria TIN. I am tempted to say that we are watching too much television, that DSTV has created a new type of Nigerian, but the truth is that we have been like this from before I was even born, it has been part of the Nigerian make up for the last 3 decades. I think the Yorubas call it “Fari” or sumfink like that.
I think most people are quite scared of how they would be viewed by their ‘mates’ if they were not perceived to be on some superior level, they think they will be laughed at if they are not met at the airport with one trillion mobile police, a pilot car, they live in fear that if they said they are sitting the night out because they can’t afford to spend hundreds of thousands on champagne that will be in their loo bowl before they go to bed people will delete them from their bb’s. Here is the ground breaking news, if that really affects your ‘friendships’, then they aint your actual friends, and they only hang out with you because they want to look good by association. (I could write a whole new post on looking good by association. So I won’t bell this cat right now.)
Get off your high horses Nigerians, you may be a bit dizzy when you first step off, but life is far more fun from down ‘ere, its a good ol’ laugh looking up and laughing at the tools galloping away on their Trojan horses, and even a bigger laugh when they realise that their horse wasn’t as pretty as it first appeared, or when they fall off.
Xoxo.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Little Things
I have never been so happy to land at MMA before, not even the power high immigration guy could sober my state of happiness when I arrived. Long periods of time away from Lagos make you realise just how awesome this place is. Even in hamattan temperatures never drop below 20 degrees centigrade, Nigerians are always full of life, and there is something ridiculously calming about the chaos, something that makes you feel alive. I guess I have always been a city girl: quiet, calm, and order, have never been my thing, I need to hear noise and buzz outside my window...So call me weird but I mizzzzzed Lagos while I was away. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is most definitely here.
Yes for the first week and a half I was over the moon, to be out of this crazy country, not to think about NEPA coming or going, no need for crazy displays of my “fab” driving skills, no bad attitudes, good conversations, endless sushi (I ate sushi every day for 1 week, then realised I was in danger of mercury poisoning so I stopped), I could wear what I wanted without being quoted policies, and fresh cool breeze was blowing my face. After a while though, that became tired, it was great while it lasted but there was just a lack of life to it, it was a little ‘bland’, for lack of a better word. (This is about the States, my few days in London was great, I didn’t want to leave)
But (I know I shouldn’t start a sentence with that mum), but.... The one thing that I loved about the rest of the world was how people go out of their way to do and say little things that make a huge impact, and I think that is something that we take for granted, overlook, perhaps we even just forget with the chaos of our Lagos lives, to go out of our way for our friends, our family and all those other people we care about. I’m quite an emotional person, so people may argue that I am not the best person to be writing on this topic, because I will inevitably get too sensitive. Nevertheless, I shall press on.
I really do believe a nice kind gesture can make such a difference in someone’s life. You just never know the person you hugged, or the person you told “You look beautiful today” could have had the worst ever day, maybe even contemplated running under a molue (don’t know how that is spelt, but I mean one of those mega big yellow and black stripped busses, basically a genetically modified tagzzzzi), and your kind words may have reminded them that there is a reason to continue living.
On my last day in the Chi, I was in such a rush to just get out of that place, get to the airport, get on my flight, and go to London. Maybe that was the eager, fast paced, full of buzz Nigerian in me. After I stuffed a couple of chips in my gob (literally stuffed them in, because eating was just superfluous to my objective of getting the heck out of that place), I ran to the coaches that had been organised to ship people to the airport, I did not pass go, I did not collect $200, I just left. I didn’t stop to say goodbye to my friends / colleagues, myself and Lols just left. In all fairness I sent goodbye texts, and made goodbye calls from the coach. But the one thing I don’t think I will EVER forget in my whole life, because it was such a kind gesture, and I guess having lived in Lagos for 2 and a half years, it was something I just never expected, and if I am 100% truthful with myself, it’s not something I would have naturally done for someone else. One of my colleagues and friend, K.I. came ALLLLL the way to our terminal at the airport to say goodbye to Lols and I, since we didn’t stay to say goodbye.
That was not the most grand of gestures, It’s not like he rented a private jet and flew halfway across the world to say goodbye, but the point is that it’s always THE LITTLE THINGS in life that make the hugest impact. Like I said it is not something I would do naturally, on a normal day I probably would have said bye before I left, but if I didn’t it won’t be the first thing I think to do, but sometimes we just have to go out of our way to do nice things, say nice things to our friends and our family, because it is impossible to tell the minds construction in the face, you have to say what you think, and go out of your way to show people that you care. It will be extremely difficult because of our environment, its fast pace, but it will totally be worth it to the person you are kind to.
Xoxo.
p.s. – I know, I know I have slacked A LOT with blogging, and I won’t even try to make excuses for myself, because I write all the time, I just never really post the posts. I promise to be on better form from here on in, and if I don’t trust I will be cautioned, as I have been over the last few weeks.
Yes for the first week and a half I was over the moon, to be out of this crazy country, not to think about NEPA coming or going, no need for crazy displays of my “fab” driving skills, no bad attitudes, good conversations, endless sushi (I ate sushi every day for 1 week, then realised I was in danger of mercury poisoning so I stopped), I could wear what I wanted without being quoted policies, and fresh cool breeze was blowing my face. After a while though, that became tired, it was great while it lasted but there was just a lack of life to it, it was a little ‘bland’, for lack of a better word. (This is about the States, my few days in London was great, I didn’t want to leave)
But (I know I shouldn’t start a sentence with that mum), but.... The one thing that I loved about the rest of the world was how people go out of their way to do and say little things that make a huge impact, and I think that is something that we take for granted, overlook, perhaps we even just forget with the chaos of our Lagos lives, to go out of our way for our friends, our family and all those other people we care about. I’m quite an emotional person, so people may argue that I am not the best person to be writing on this topic, because I will inevitably get too sensitive. Nevertheless, I shall press on.
I really do believe a nice kind gesture can make such a difference in someone’s life. You just never know the person you hugged, or the person you told “You look beautiful today” could have had the worst ever day, maybe even contemplated running under a molue (don’t know how that is spelt, but I mean one of those mega big yellow and black stripped busses, basically a genetically modified tagzzzzi), and your kind words may have reminded them that there is a reason to continue living.
On my last day in the Chi, I was in such a rush to just get out of that place, get to the airport, get on my flight, and go to London. Maybe that was the eager, fast paced, full of buzz Nigerian in me. After I stuffed a couple of chips in my gob (literally stuffed them in, because eating was just superfluous to my objective of getting the heck out of that place), I ran to the coaches that had been organised to ship people to the airport, I did not pass go, I did not collect $200, I just left. I didn’t stop to say goodbye to my friends / colleagues, myself and Lols just left. In all fairness I sent goodbye texts, and made goodbye calls from the coach. But the one thing I don’t think I will EVER forget in my whole life, because it was such a kind gesture, and I guess having lived in Lagos for 2 and a half years, it was something I just never expected, and if I am 100% truthful with myself, it’s not something I would have naturally done for someone else. One of my colleagues and friend, K.I. came ALLLLL the way to our terminal at the airport to say goodbye to Lols and I, since we didn’t stay to say goodbye.
That was not the most grand of gestures, It’s not like he rented a private jet and flew halfway across the world to say goodbye, but the point is that it’s always THE LITTLE THINGS in life that make the hugest impact. Like I said it is not something I would do naturally, on a normal day I probably would have said bye before I left, but if I didn’t it won’t be the first thing I think to do, but sometimes we just have to go out of our way to do nice things, say nice things to our friends and our family, because it is impossible to tell the minds construction in the face, you have to say what you think, and go out of your way to show people that you care. It will be extremely difficult because of our environment, its fast pace, but it will totally be worth it to the person you are kind to.
Xoxo.
p.s. – I know, I know I have slacked A LOT with blogging, and I won’t even try to make excuses for myself, because I write all the time, I just never really post the posts. I promise to be on better form from here on in, and if I don’t trust I will be cautioned, as I have been over the last few weeks.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Across the world and around the corner
I know I have been absolutely awful with this lately; I guess I have been too busy / tired to collect my thoughts and reflect. My apologies.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have had the opportunity to work with people from all over the world, and though I have teased others (see last post), I have to admit my own geography and general knowledge has been put to the test. Even when I know the small city, on a hill, in the most random part of Finland, it’s quite challenging for me to keep a conversation going with someone I have nothing in common with. Once you get through the usuals: Weather (Yep its stupid cold here in comparison to pretty much every other part of the world); What office you work out of; your experiences there, your preferences in food, music, liquor even (when you get really stuck) etc etc. the rest is sorta extremely difficult.
A personal philosophy of mine has always been “better to remain silent and thought a fool, than speak out and remove all doubt”, I don’t know where I picked that up from, because neither of my parents are like that, nor are my brothers, I may have to hire a shrink one day for me to untangle that one. I keep a lot of my opinions, thoughts, musings, ideas, and jokes to myself, as you can imagine not the best tool to be working with in situations like this, where you have to get to know people to be able to work with them effectively.
Though it has been challenging , it has also been such a great learning experience, it’s awesome to see how social styles and working habits are shaped by our environments, cultures, races, religions, and all sorts of things I won’t list (just because I don’t want to risk political incorrectness). Sometimes I have looked at team members and thought “geeeeze, disaster has a passport” (though technically the people I am referring to here don’t need a passport to get this far), and other times I think “how profound” (when I’m judging a book by its very unappealing cover). Everybody does things differently:
• Some people use humour as an entry into conversation
• Others talk too much to cover up their insecurities – trust me the way they talk 19 to the dozen you completely overlook the fact that they have large growths on the corner of their noses
• Others deafen you with their silence
• Some people have permanent standoffish facial expressions
• Others overwhelm you with their kindness
• People overbear you with their depth of knowledge in one area
• Groups of people are unnecessarily loud, everything they say must be screamed at the top of their lungs
• Some people plan everything – “lets go to dinner”, “yes, lets”, “ok how should we go there, maybe we should go up the stairs, and walk along the corridor, or maybe we should go outside the building cross the bath and re-enter on the bottom floor, or maybe we shouldn’t have dinner now”, “it’s just dinner dude, let’s just start walking, no need for a song and dance”
• People seek approval from every possible source before they make decisions
• Some people are VICIOUS about everything (Nigerians)
• As my man Pharell will say, some people are “Mr. Me Too’s” ... “Everything I say, you say “Me Too””
To cut a long story short, whoever you talk to, work with, play with around the world, they all have their own way of doing things, they have their insecurities, and like me they have their personal philosophies, based on their own life experiences and environment. We are all refugees of something, seeking safety in our social styles, and perhaps the best way to interact with each other is to get lost in the details.
Xoxo.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have had the opportunity to work with people from all over the world, and though I have teased others (see last post), I have to admit my own geography and general knowledge has been put to the test. Even when I know the small city, on a hill, in the most random part of Finland, it’s quite challenging for me to keep a conversation going with someone I have nothing in common with. Once you get through the usuals: Weather (Yep its stupid cold here in comparison to pretty much every other part of the world); What office you work out of; your experiences there, your preferences in food, music, liquor even (when you get really stuck) etc etc. the rest is sorta extremely difficult.
A personal philosophy of mine has always been “better to remain silent and thought a fool, than speak out and remove all doubt”, I don’t know where I picked that up from, because neither of my parents are like that, nor are my brothers, I may have to hire a shrink one day for me to untangle that one. I keep a lot of my opinions, thoughts, musings, ideas, and jokes to myself, as you can imagine not the best tool to be working with in situations like this, where you have to get to know people to be able to work with them effectively.
Though it has been challenging , it has also been such a great learning experience, it’s awesome to see how social styles and working habits are shaped by our environments, cultures, races, religions, and all sorts of things I won’t list (just because I don’t want to risk political incorrectness). Sometimes I have looked at team members and thought “geeeeze, disaster has a passport” (though technically the people I am referring to here don’t need a passport to get this far), and other times I think “how profound” (when I’m judging a book by its very unappealing cover). Everybody does things differently:
• Some people use humour as an entry into conversation
• Others talk too much to cover up their insecurities – trust me the way they talk 19 to the dozen you completely overlook the fact that they have large growths on the corner of their noses
• Others deafen you with their silence
• Some people have permanent standoffish facial expressions
• Others overwhelm you with their kindness
• People overbear you with their depth of knowledge in one area
• Groups of people are unnecessarily loud, everything they say must be screamed at the top of their lungs
• Some people plan everything – “lets go to dinner”, “yes, lets”, “ok how should we go there, maybe we should go up the stairs, and walk along the corridor, or maybe we should go outside the building cross the bath and re-enter on the bottom floor, or maybe we shouldn’t have dinner now”, “it’s just dinner dude, let’s just start walking, no need for a song and dance”
• People seek approval from every possible source before they make decisions
• Some people are VICIOUS about everything (Nigerians)
• As my man Pharell will say, some people are “Mr. Me Too’s” ... “Everything I say, you say “Me Too””
To cut a long story short, whoever you talk to, work with, play with around the world, they all have their own way of doing things, they have their insecurities, and like me they have their personal philosophies, based on their own life experiences and environment. We are all refugees of something, seeking safety in our social styles, and perhaps the best way to interact with each other is to get lost in the details.
Xoxo.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
From Sub-Sahara to Sub-Zero
All the way from the tropics, I have landed myself in Chi-Town in the bleak mid-winter, still decorated with the debris of its worst (or rather most severe) blizzard in a decade, and in all truth it has been a SHOCK to my system.
As much as I hate to admit it, I think I am a bonafide Nigerian: The concept of cold and winter is now so foreign to me. However I only have myself to blame for how cold I am right now, because before I left ‘Uncle P’ was telling me to pack long johnnnns, and tons of thermals, and naturally I was like “eiweeeee, I don’t have those”, his response: “oh, so you are tryna look cute in arctic conditions” ... turns out he knows his village better than I do, this cold is paralysing, definitely too cold to try and look cute, too cold to even try and look just aite....It’s all about keeping warm regardless of what’s in vogue. I can totally understand those Nigerians you see at Heathrow now, wearing tea cosies on their heads and turtle neck jumpers under their buba and iro, topped off with one of those ghastly felt looking scarves; the cold whey catch them, na only them fit understand.
But even more “Nigerian” of me, I just haven’t got the patience for ignorant oyinbos (you know, the sort that haven’t ever left their home country and have weird concepts and beliefs about the outside world). Believe it or not almost every person I have spoken to has asked me if I speak Nigerian, I have been asked when I learnt to speak English, If this was the first time I have seen snow, and one girl even announced on a microphone that she wants to visit Africa (South Africa specifically) because she really wants to see monkeys walking on the street. Someone asked my colleague if her mode of transport was elephant. As though all that was not bad enough, today some girl comes up to me grinning from ear to ear and says: “I was so fascinated when you spoke earlier, because before now I never knew there was a country called Nigeria”. Of course when all these comments were made, I smiled politely, maybe even laughed a little, but all that was going through my head was: “abi kiru iranu le leyi” (and yes I did actually think it in Yoruba, but for the none Yoruba speakers, I was thinking – “WHAT KIND OF RUBBISH IS THIS”).
All this jetlag has got me thinking how ironic it is that most Africans look to the western world, mostly to Europe and the United States as the beacons of all knowledge, superior, and as my grandfather would say, (Yoruba speakers pardon my spelling), “e gba keji olorun”, i.e. after God is the white man, but truthfully when it comes down to it(and after all these comments I have heard), the Africans, Indians, Chinese are far more technically sound, and fully exposed.
I have spoken to a lot of people since I’ve been here, and my mind has really been blown away by the quality of some peoples thoughts, and ideas, particularly one Indian chap, and one Korean girl. Quite frankly it took a lot of “active listening” for me to follow these peoples conversations, but when I did I was wowed, they had sound business acumen, they knew how to apply their knowledge, and articulate it, they knew about the world, the way it works, ideas on how it could work better, they could even discuss random topics like music and theatre in different geographical locations, they were well rounded. But when I think about it people (myself included) normally overlook these guys, because their command of the English language is not so great, but when they hear big big fone and grammar, thick American accent, plum in the mouth English, they sit up, even if that person is talking a pile of rubbish.
That seems to be the way the world works, we judge a book by its cover, and we rate the content of what someone is saying by the accent they are speaking in. I guess that is why we have so many Nigerians putting on God alone knows what accents that make them sound like they swallowed a pineapple whole and it got trapped in their throats. If the objective of faking accents is in order to give the illusion that we are intelligent, I believe I may start to speak with an Indian or Chinese accent (As it happens I do quite good impressions of both... I am way ahead of the curve, so when u hear me spitting one Indian or Chinese fone, don’t watch me, watch tv).
Missing Lagos, the sun, my family, friends, and my own bed.
Xoxo.
As much as I hate to admit it, I think I am a bonafide Nigerian: The concept of cold and winter is now so foreign to me. However I only have myself to blame for how cold I am right now, because before I left ‘Uncle P’ was telling me to pack long johnnnns, and tons of thermals, and naturally I was like “eiweeeee, I don’t have those”, his response: “oh, so you are tryna look cute in arctic conditions” ... turns out he knows his village better than I do, this cold is paralysing, definitely too cold to try and look cute, too cold to even try and look just aite....It’s all about keeping warm regardless of what’s in vogue. I can totally understand those Nigerians you see at Heathrow now, wearing tea cosies on their heads and turtle neck jumpers under their buba and iro, topped off with one of those ghastly felt looking scarves; the cold whey catch them, na only them fit understand.
But even more “Nigerian” of me, I just haven’t got the patience for ignorant oyinbos (you know, the sort that haven’t ever left their home country and have weird concepts and beliefs about the outside world). Believe it or not almost every person I have spoken to has asked me if I speak Nigerian, I have been asked when I learnt to speak English, If this was the first time I have seen snow, and one girl even announced on a microphone that she wants to visit Africa (South Africa specifically) because she really wants to see monkeys walking on the street. Someone asked my colleague if her mode of transport was elephant. As though all that was not bad enough, today some girl comes up to me grinning from ear to ear and says: “I was so fascinated when you spoke earlier, because before now I never knew there was a country called Nigeria”. Of course when all these comments were made, I smiled politely, maybe even laughed a little, but all that was going through my head was: “abi kiru iranu le leyi” (and yes I did actually think it in Yoruba, but for the none Yoruba speakers, I was thinking – “WHAT KIND OF RUBBISH IS THIS”).
All this jetlag has got me thinking how ironic it is that most Africans look to the western world, mostly to Europe and the United States as the beacons of all knowledge, superior, and as my grandfather would say, (Yoruba speakers pardon my spelling), “e gba keji olorun”, i.e. after God is the white man, but truthfully when it comes down to it(and after all these comments I have heard), the Africans, Indians, Chinese are far more technically sound, and fully exposed.
I have spoken to a lot of people since I’ve been here, and my mind has really been blown away by the quality of some peoples thoughts, and ideas, particularly one Indian chap, and one Korean girl. Quite frankly it took a lot of “active listening” for me to follow these peoples conversations, but when I did I was wowed, they had sound business acumen, they knew how to apply their knowledge, and articulate it, they knew about the world, the way it works, ideas on how it could work better, they could even discuss random topics like music and theatre in different geographical locations, they were well rounded. But when I think about it people (myself included) normally overlook these guys, because their command of the English language is not so great, but when they hear big big fone and grammar, thick American accent, plum in the mouth English, they sit up, even if that person is talking a pile of rubbish.
That seems to be the way the world works, we judge a book by its cover, and we rate the content of what someone is saying by the accent they are speaking in. I guess that is why we have so many Nigerians putting on God alone knows what accents that make them sound like they swallowed a pineapple whole and it got trapped in their throats. If the objective of faking accents is in order to give the illusion that we are intelligent, I believe I may start to speak with an Indian or Chinese accent (As it happens I do quite good impressions of both... I am way ahead of the curve, so when u hear me spitting one Indian or Chinese fone, don’t watch me, watch tv).
Missing Lagos, the sun, my family, friends, and my own bed.
Xoxo.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
#-*?/Unexpected Service Error, please reboot #-*?
I may be speaking from a place of complete frustration, but I believe I am well within my rights. Nearly three years in Lagos and I haven’t flipped out yet. So there is a lot of pent up anger, I have been described as passive aggressive, so I am about to flip the script to the other kinds of aggressive.
Have you ever purchased any kind of product in Lagos?? (I don’t want to speak to speak for the rest of Nigeria, but I have a strange feeling it may apply) Physical product or otherwise, I am sure you will agree that you will inevitably be met with some form of service failure, a display of incompetence, a bunch of hyenas flaunting their ignorance as though it were a jewelled 24 carat crown.
Service is something we don’t have a clue about in Nigeria, and quite frankly we don’t even care. No Nigerian wants to see themselves as a servant, “Olorun ma je o, e mi Oluwadunsin? Servant? L’aye mi” A nation full of Diva’s too proud, too much, too swagged out to serve another person. All I have to say to these baboons, working behind our tills, working in organisations with service driven products: IF YOU DONT WANT TO DO THE JOB, QUITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!! Hand in your resignations letter, and carry your unreliable, incompetent, *****fill in the blanks***** backsides home to sit in a dark room alone where you belong. If you have no people skills do not work in a customer facing job, lock yourself alone with a mirror, since clearly your company is the only one you require, and attending to the needs of your customers is apparently superfluous to your job description.
Months and months of accepting poor service delivery finally came to a head when a travel agent started giving me the lip because SHE hasn’t booked a ticket I informed her about nearly a month ago, and 2 days before my departure she is telling me her server is down. I can no longer sit back and spend my hard earned money for below sub –standard service. I used to just accept it, take it, in my head say: well this is Naija what more should I expect. Well that’s exactly the problem, because we accept it they keep doing it, they have been so comfortable getting paid to sit on their arses in air conditioning, gisting while they “browse” facebook, and flip through City People. This doesn’t just happen in chicken republic, it has trickled into every organisation in the nation: in big global firms, with domestic staff, in our government, hospitals, everywhere where there are people doing work and not computers.
I have often wondered why once my ‘rents are out of town all the house help become very relaxed they don’t care to do anything, they come when they please, leave when they please, and generally take the mickey. So I watched what my mum did differently from me: She SHOUTS! That’s the solution, the woman barely remembers how to talk in normal tones because she is so used to shouting at everyone, but guess what, IT WORKS. I employed the same strategy with Miss I-come-to-work-but-all-I-do-is-faff-travel-agent, don’t think it had the same effect, my brother said it was because my shouting had too much ‘phone’ , but it made me feel a lot better sha, that was my night cap last night.
So what is my advice, start shouting, otherwise you will continue to hear the following:
• “Ehnnn I don’t have credit so I can’t make the call” – Excuse me lady it is your job to make the call, so go to your neighbourhood aboki, and buy yourself some credit
• “Please wait I’m painting my nails, I can’t press the till right now, my nails are wet” – Do not make me jump over the till and come clap you across the face
• “This film is sweet, let me just see what happens to Sule after his madam catches him stealing meat from the pot before I take your rollers out” – Is this your living room? No! Its a hair salon, turn off AMY (Africa Magic Yoruba) and come take me out of this steaming hot drier
• “Sir, I can’t take this wrong order back to the kitchen, it will be a problem, you have to eat it” – T.O, I think you remember this one, and as we said to the guy at the time “problem for who?????”
• “We’re unable to take that order, ostritch no dey” “how about chicken?” “e don finish” “beef?” “no ma” “vegetables?” “na one small carrot wey we get” “so what can I order?” “ma, we can cross the road and help you to buy pure water” – enough said
• And.... the biggest service failure of them all MTN. “Ehnnn the ‘network’ was faulty so nobody was able to make calls, it is not just you experiencing the problem” – Excuse me for pointing this one out, Why call yourself a mobile phone operator, if your ‘network’ is always faulty, go into making “Yello” greeting cards if you cannot provide me with any signal
Don’t be scared to use your angry voice, I just found mine, and trust, it is satisfying.
P.s. Happy Birthday to my bwoyyyyyssss J.S and Kiki.
xoxo
Have you ever purchased any kind of product in Lagos?? (I don’t want to speak to speak for the rest of Nigeria, but I have a strange feeling it may apply) Physical product or otherwise, I am sure you will agree that you will inevitably be met with some form of service failure, a display of incompetence, a bunch of hyenas flaunting their ignorance as though it were a jewelled 24 carat crown.
Service is something we don’t have a clue about in Nigeria, and quite frankly we don’t even care. No Nigerian wants to see themselves as a servant, “Olorun ma je o, e mi Oluwadunsin? Servant? L’aye mi” A nation full of Diva’s too proud, too much, too swagged out to serve another person. All I have to say to these baboons, working behind our tills, working in organisations with service driven products: IF YOU DONT WANT TO DO THE JOB, QUITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!! Hand in your resignations letter, and carry your unreliable, incompetent, *****fill in the blanks***** backsides home to sit in a dark room alone where you belong. If you have no people skills do not work in a customer facing job, lock yourself alone with a mirror, since clearly your company is the only one you require, and attending to the needs of your customers is apparently superfluous to your job description.
Months and months of accepting poor service delivery finally came to a head when a travel agent started giving me the lip because SHE hasn’t booked a ticket I informed her about nearly a month ago, and 2 days before my departure she is telling me her server is down. I can no longer sit back and spend my hard earned money for below sub –standard service. I used to just accept it, take it, in my head say: well this is Naija what more should I expect. Well that’s exactly the problem, because we accept it they keep doing it, they have been so comfortable getting paid to sit on their arses in air conditioning, gisting while they “browse” facebook, and flip through City People. This doesn’t just happen in chicken republic, it has trickled into every organisation in the nation: in big global firms, with domestic staff, in our government, hospitals, everywhere where there are people doing work and not computers.
I have often wondered why once my ‘rents are out of town all the house help become very relaxed they don’t care to do anything, they come when they please, leave when they please, and generally take the mickey. So I watched what my mum did differently from me: She SHOUTS! That’s the solution, the woman barely remembers how to talk in normal tones because she is so used to shouting at everyone, but guess what, IT WORKS. I employed the same strategy with Miss I-come-to-work-but-all-I-do-is-faff-travel-agent, don’t think it had the same effect, my brother said it was because my shouting had too much ‘phone’ , but it made me feel a lot better sha, that was my night cap last night.
So what is my advice, start shouting, otherwise you will continue to hear the following:
• “Ehnnn I don’t have credit so I can’t make the call” – Excuse me lady it is your job to make the call, so go to your neighbourhood aboki, and buy yourself some credit
• “Please wait I’m painting my nails, I can’t press the till right now, my nails are wet” – Do not make me jump over the till and come clap you across the face
• “This film is sweet, let me just see what happens to Sule after his madam catches him stealing meat from the pot before I take your rollers out” – Is this your living room? No! Its a hair salon, turn off AMY (Africa Magic Yoruba) and come take me out of this steaming hot drier
• “Sir, I can’t take this wrong order back to the kitchen, it will be a problem, you have to eat it” – T.O, I think you remember this one, and as we said to the guy at the time “problem for who?????”
• “We’re unable to take that order, ostritch no dey” “how about chicken?” “e don finish” “beef?” “no ma” “vegetables?” “na one small carrot wey we get” “so what can I order?” “ma, we can cross the road and help you to buy pure water” – enough said
• And.... the biggest service failure of them all MTN. “Ehnnn the ‘network’ was faulty so nobody was able to make calls, it is not just you experiencing the problem” – Excuse me for pointing this one out, Why call yourself a mobile phone operator, if your ‘network’ is always faulty, go into making “Yello” greeting cards if you cannot provide me with any signal
Don’t be scared to use your angry voice, I just found mine, and trust, it is satisfying.
P.s. Happy Birthday to my bwoyyyyyssss J.S and Kiki.
xoxo
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