Every now and again something tragic happens and it really shakes me into the sad realisation that life is very very short. For a couple of months after the tragic event I try my hardest to live everyday as if it were my last, but somewhere along the line I start taking life for granted again. I think it’s very important that we all realise that every single second that we live is a gift, we must cherish it, be grateful for it, and never take it for granted.
• Appreciate all your friends. Tell them when you miss them, forgive them when they offend you, apologise when you offend them
• If you love someone tell them. They may be here today, and not tomorrow. So while they’re here make sure they know how you feel
• If you love someone show it. Go that extra mile to put your words into action
• Smile. Life is too short to be unhappy
• Follow your dreams. Do what you want to do NOW, because tomorrow may just never come
• Give to the less privileged. We cannot take any of our material possessions with us to the next world, so while we can we should share what we have with others. Feed the hungry, clothe the poor, and give shelter to the homeless
• Say Thank You. Simple two words that mean sooooooo much
• Say sorry. Admit it when you are wrong
• Don’t hold grudges, it really isn’t worth it
• Tell the truth always. It is better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie
• Take Chances. It’s always better to look back and wish you hadn’t done it, than to look back and wish you had. Sometimes the beauty is in the attempt
• Treat people like you would like to be treated
• Let go of your past hurts, and focus on building a better tomorrow
• Trust people – Share your concerns and your dreams, because they just may be going through the same thing or went through the same thing. Take off your hard as stone masks, before they become your face
• Send out a nice bouquet of thoughts to those you care about whenever you think about them
• Find someone to share your life with. Success and happiness is nothing if you have nobody to share it with
• And most importantly we must remember that: “TO LIVE IS CHRIST, AND TO DIE IS GAIN”. A relationship with God is the most important relationship you will EVER have or EVER need
Life is very short, make sure that yours counts. Make sure that you are remembered fondly, missed dearly, and thought of daily. Live your life so that it’s worthy of a segment on CNN.
And for those that we have lost too soon I pray that their souls will rest in perfect peace.
Xoxo.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Staring a Gift Horse in the Mouth
Sometimes I wonder if we are all so preoccupied with the things that we want, the lives we have planned for ourselves, the people we want to share our lives with. etc. ; that we sometimes miss out on the things that could potentially make us happier than the things that we have always dreamed of. Are we just “staring a gift horse in the mouth”?
A lot of us are gifted with things, people, circumstances, talents, opportunities etc that we do not deserve, and would not normally be able to afford, but we pick at their faults, shortcomings and general inappropriateness. We are literally staring a gift horse in the mouth, counting all the teeth, checking the tonsils, looking at the health of the gums, searching for mouth ulcers. We are cataloguing the faults, and paying no attention to the upsides.
The 21st century has promoted people being so consumed with their ‘lusts’, that when great things walk into their lives they neglect them, overly criticise them, and let them walk out again. We don’t seem to realise that life isn’t about having everything you want, exactly as you want, it is about taking what you’ve got, making the best of it, and committing to continually working on making what you have better. Perhaps when you are content with what you have, the very thing you want may come easier.
So if you are staring a gift horse in the mouth, slowly step down from your pedestal, put away your magnifying glass, and get back in the saddle.
xoxo.
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Monday, May 23, 2011
Parade of the frogs
It is universally acknowledged (well by people that believe in fairytales at least) that you have to kiss a lot of frogs (figuratively, literally) before you find your prince. Not to have a dig on Nigerian men (I am aware that I do this far more than I intend), but sometimes there is such a down pouring of frogs, it becomes more of a parade of the frogs; A festival of the weird and wonderful, a circus of the bizarre and the unnecessary brave, a bazaar of the unique and the colourfully different. All the frogs showing their most elaborate and well practiced stunts, cartwheels, frog jumps (quite apt), walking on stilts, wearing the most elaborate of costumes, clown shoes, and red noses, all in a bid to get a kiss from a princess who hopes they will magically morph into a prince. Unfortunately she is not aware that a frog can never be a prince, if he wasn’t first a prince that was turned into a frog. (Yeah that sentence confused me too). This is not to say that there are no princes, just that you have to go through a few frogs to find them.
Anyhows, I had quite a funny conversation with my friend, whose name I shall protect, but you know yourself, and it became quite apparent that depending on how long you have had to watch this parade, sit through the gnarly monologues (I say gnarly because some of them are so deceitfully good), and answer irrelevant questions, dating in Lagos is a chore, akin to studying for a quantum mechanics exam. Myself, X, my mum and my brother had quite a laugh at some of the things people say, ask, do, and I thought to myself that we laugh at it now, but the people that do these things are blissfully unaware of their inappropriateness. So being the niccccceee person that I am (*blushes*) I am gonna let you know what you should not do on a date if you genuinely want a second one. You may have been X’s frog, but you can still be Y’s prince.
• Numero Uno. Personally I believe you can learn a lot more about a person in an hour of play than a lifetime of conversation. You most certainly then cannot learn very much about a person by hosting an formal styled interview with them. Honestly there is no value add to you on a first date asking things like: What is your favourite colour?? (Why do you need to know this), How many siblings do you have? Or any other family questions? (We are not planning the wedding train just yet), What is your favourite day of the week? What MTN plan do you have? How many guys / girls have you dated? These are non value add questions. Just as you may get offended if we asked “How much do you get paid”, “What are your 10 year career plans” we also get offended by these daft questions
• Do not underestimate the Lagos grapevine. There is really nooooooo point in creating a false identity. You will be found out. If you sit on your backside day in day out, do not claim to be a real estate developer, an architect or a brain surgeon. If your date is a real Lagos gal you will soon be found out and your lying ways will be front page citi people before long. Be yourself, that’s the best version of you there is.
• Do not try to prove to the girl that you are super popular by over greeting people around you, always looking around to see who walks in, and to make sure the girl knows that you know them. That’s sorta irritating, and reveals some sort of insecurity.
• Do not spend the whole evening, day, morning whatever on your bb. I’m sure you are very important and whoever you are bb’ing cannot do without speaking to you, but whoever you are with wants to feel “like the only girl in the world”, the only person in the world even
• This one is a bit tricky. But do not assume that she can find her own way. I personally like to drive myself sha, so if like X, I can no longer bare stupid questions I can just leave. But leave it to her to decide if she wants picking up or not
• Do not go on a date if you are engaged and to be married next week, and all you are using her for is to make sure you have made the right decision to get married
• If your girlfriend of 13 years has just broken up with you for some loaded, heterosexual version of Tom Ford avoid making this a topic of conversation. Nobody wants to be thought of as a rebound
• Do not dominate the conversation, let her speak a little
• Do not under any circumstance talk about football, spend the entire time watching a match (to me at least). We know you like the sport, we would just rather not have to deal with it on what is meant to be a pleasant evening out.
• A lot of girls are assessing you as a potential spouse when they are on a date, so general drunken, leery behaviour is a big no no. Control your drinking.
• Don’t stare. Staring is just rude. Just take a picture it’ll last longer, stare at it when you get home
• Do not control. This is the 21st century, women have opinions too, don’t lord yours over her. If she wants white do not insist on a bottle of red
• And (i’m going to stop here) If you are not a funny person, DO NOT crack jokes, if you must please practice them on a sister, cousin etc for appropriateness and funniness before you try it out doors.
Xoxo.
Anyhows, I had quite a funny conversation with my friend, whose name I shall protect, but you know yourself, and it became quite apparent that depending on how long you have had to watch this parade, sit through the gnarly monologues (I say gnarly because some of them are so deceitfully good), and answer irrelevant questions, dating in Lagos is a chore, akin to studying for a quantum mechanics exam. Myself, X, my mum and my brother had quite a laugh at some of the things people say, ask, do, and I thought to myself that we laugh at it now, but the people that do these things are blissfully unaware of their inappropriateness. So being the niccccceee person that I am (*blushes*) I am gonna let you know what you should not do on a date if you genuinely want a second one. You may have been X’s frog, but you can still be Y’s prince.
• Numero Uno. Personally I believe you can learn a lot more about a person in an hour of play than a lifetime of conversation. You most certainly then cannot learn very much about a person by hosting an formal styled interview with them. Honestly there is no value add to you on a first date asking things like: What is your favourite colour?? (Why do you need to know this), How many siblings do you have? Or any other family questions? (We are not planning the wedding train just yet), What is your favourite day of the week? What MTN plan do you have? How many guys / girls have you dated? These are non value add questions. Just as you may get offended if we asked “How much do you get paid”, “What are your 10 year career plans” we also get offended by these daft questions
• Do not underestimate the Lagos grapevine. There is really nooooooo point in creating a false identity. You will be found out. If you sit on your backside day in day out, do not claim to be a real estate developer, an architect or a brain surgeon. If your date is a real Lagos gal you will soon be found out and your lying ways will be front page citi people before long. Be yourself, that’s the best version of you there is.
• Do not try to prove to the girl that you are super popular by over greeting people around you, always looking around to see who walks in, and to make sure the girl knows that you know them. That’s sorta irritating, and reveals some sort of insecurity.
• Do not spend the whole evening, day, morning whatever on your bb. I’m sure you are very important and whoever you are bb’ing cannot do without speaking to you, but whoever you are with wants to feel “like the only girl in the world”, the only person in the world even
• This one is a bit tricky. But do not assume that she can find her own way. I personally like to drive myself sha, so if like X, I can no longer bare stupid questions I can just leave. But leave it to her to decide if she wants picking up or not
• Do not go on a date if you are engaged and to be married next week, and all you are using her for is to make sure you have made the right decision to get married
• If your girlfriend of 13 years has just broken up with you for some loaded, heterosexual version of Tom Ford avoid making this a topic of conversation. Nobody wants to be thought of as a rebound
• Do not dominate the conversation, let her speak a little
• Do not under any circumstance talk about football, spend the entire time watching a match (to me at least). We know you like the sport, we would just rather not have to deal with it on what is meant to be a pleasant evening out.
• A lot of girls are assessing you as a potential spouse when they are on a date, so general drunken, leery behaviour is a big no no. Control your drinking.
• Don’t stare. Staring is just rude. Just take a picture it’ll last longer, stare at it when you get home
• Do not control. This is the 21st century, women have opinions too, don’t lord yours over her. If she wants white do not insist on a bottle of red
• And (i’m going to stop here) If you are not a funny person, DO NOT crack jokes, if you must please practice them on a sister, cousin etc for appropriateness and funniness before you try it out doors.
Xoxo.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Battle Scars
The worst piece of advice I have ever been given: "Learn from our mistakes" ... In Politics we can learn from mistakes, In Chemistry we can learn from mistakes, in Medicine, Law, Astrophysics, Biochemistry, Horticulture, but in life we quite simply cannot. In order to learn emotional intelligence, financial frugality, entrepreneurship (I just learnt to spell that word :-) ), discipline, accuracy, love etc, I make very bold to say YOU have to have learnt what it feels like not to have them, you have to have had your heart broken, understood want (*insert poverty*), seen your business crash and pick up again, experienced the tragedy of ill discipline, seen the effect of poorly thought out decisions, understood pain, rage, passion, happiness, been hurt and felt pain. All these are your Battle Scars.
No true warrior can return from battle victorious till he has the scars to prove that he fought the battle. These scars act as a constant reminder of his capabilities, a reminder to strive for peace, a testimony to the good allies he keeps, a trophy of sorts. Without these scars the warrior may pick the wrong battles, overestimate his capabilities, seek solace in false allies, make rash decisions. Though his forefathers may have fought a similar battle, it is no indication of his strength.
Adversity (and indeed triumph) is the stone on which we must sharpen our knife. Our battle scars are far more important than any second hand lessons.
Xoxo.
No true warrior can return from battle victorious till he has the scars to prove that he fought the battle. These scars act as a constant reminder of his capabilities, a reminder to strive for peace, a testimony to the good allies he keeps, a trophy of sorts. Without these scars the warrior may pick the wrong battles, overestimate his capabilities, seek solace in false allies, make rash decisions. Though his forefathers may have fought a similar battle, it is no indication of his strength.
Adversity (and indeed triumph) is the stone on which we must sharpen our knife. Our battle scars are far more important than any second hand lessons.
Xoxo.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Cheesy Bait
If you use cheese as bait you'll catch a rat.
I was talking to a friend the other day, and he was going on about how he can't get married to a Nigerian woman, they're too materialistic, he can't empty his whole account to keep a woman happy, yada yada yada. You know the drill, I'm sure most of you know the conversation and have had a similar one with your friends. I have had it several times, hence this post.
I'm really sorry to break it to all you men out there (and I'll come to the ladies later, do not fret), but if you use cheese as bait you are GUARANTEED to catch a rat (I didn't say mouse, rat- a stinky uncouth rat). If you go around popping bottles, driving flash cars, spending money like your account is a bottomless pit, buying the same expensive watch in all the colours it comes in, dropping your black card to pick up every bill, etc, etc. If you are doing all that stuff then of course you are going to attract a gold digging, materialistic 'lady'. You are EXACTLY what this sort of woman is looking for, so she has simply just walked into your trap. If you can afford a Gwagon, you can afford her birkin bags, if you can pay half a mil on a night out you can afford her Brazilian hair, if you have a black card you can afford a house in banana island, with top of the range cars, a maid from the Philippines for the kids she will soon have, if you go around flashing your handmade xxx suit, then you can afford her bimonthly first class trips to London, New York, and Milan for a shopping spree. You put your cheese on display, and she came out to grab it.
I am growing fast tired of this generalisation, assumption that all Nigerian women are all materialistic, gold diggers. As much as I can agree that there are a fair amount of women that fit this profile, there are also a fair few women that don't - decent, well mannered, virtuous, and wise women. If you happen to find yourself surrounded by these materialistic women then I suggest you check yourself, before you generalise. Humility attracts humility and arrogance, flamboyance, ostentaceous adolescent display attracts materialistic, gold digging, and puffed up.
The same goes for women. 'We' complain that there are no decent Nigerian men. They all have a heightened perception of themselves, they think the sun shines out of their ***, they are not serious, all they do is party, drink, womanise, yada yada yada. Perhaps it's just where you're looking, who you're looking at, or who you attract because of who you are.
Xoxo
I was talking to a friend the other day, and he was going on about how he can't get married to a Nigerian woman, they're too materialistic, he can't empty his whole account to keep a woman happy, yada yada yada. You know the drill, I'm sure most of you know the conversation and have had a similar one with your friends. I have had it several times, hence this post.
I'm really sorry to break it to all you men out there (and I'll come to the ladies later, do not fret), but if you use cheese as bait you are GUARANTEED to catch a rat (I didn't say mouse, rat- a stinky uncouth rat). If you go around popping bottles, driving flash cars, spending money like your account is a bottomless pit, buying the same expensive watch in all the colours it comes in, dropping your black card to pick up every bill, etc, etc. If you are doing all that stuff then of course you are going to attract a gold digging, materialistic 'lady'. You are EXACTLY what this sort of woman is looking for, so she has simply just walked into your trap. If you can afford a Gwagon, you can afford her birkin bags, if you can pay half a mil on a night out you can afford her Brazilian hair, if you have a black card you can afford a house in banana island, with top of the range cars, a maid from the Philippines for the kids she will soon have, if you go around flashing your handmade xxx suit, then you can afford her bimonthly first class trips to London, New York, and Milan for a shopping spree. You put your cheese on display, and she came out to grab it.
I am growing fast tired of this generalisation, assumption that all Nigerian women are all materialistic, gold diggers. As much as I can agree that there are a fair amount of women that fit this profile, there are also a fair few women that don't - decent, well mannered, virtuous, and wise women. If you happen to find yourself surrounded by these materialistic women then I suggest you check yourself, before you generalise. Humility attracts humility and arrogance, flamboyance, ostentaceous adolescent display attracts materialistic, gold digging, and puffed up.
The same goes for women. 'We' complain that there are no decent Nigerian men. They all have a heightened perception of themselves, they think the sun shines out of their ***, they are not serious, all they do is party, drink, womanise, yada yada yada. Perhaps it's just where you're looking, who you're looking at, or who you attract because of who you are.
Xoxo
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Broken People
A lot of Nigerians find it quite strange that ‘oyinbos’ have childcare lines that children can call to report their parents when they smack them. Whilst I believe that there is nothing wrong with a little smack for disciplinary purposes, I believe that this service is completely necessary. The truth is that some parents really do take the beatings over the top, the beatings becomes sadistic, a display of power, some parents sexually abuse their children, in Nigeria there is the added dimension of domestic help with a lot of access and exposure to kids – drivers, cooks, guards, house boys and house girls abuse children every day without being noticed. Some children grow up with severe neglect, they may be financially looked after, but their parents spend little more than a minute with them a month. Husbands beat their wives, in many cases women beat their husbands. Some people have turned to drugs, not just for recreation, but to blur the pain of a daily struggle – loneliness, a stammer, a limp. Human trafficking and kidnapping are rife in our society, some people self harm in reaction to severe self confidence issues. I am not sure how many Nigerians have eating disorders sha, we love our amala and gbegiri too much to start throwing it up after eating. The point I am trying to make is that these things are so close to home, they don’t just happen abroad, they happen at our doorstep. Behind the sharp suits, fancy bags, high heels, and big smiles are BROKEN people.
People walk around with all manner and kind of emotional scars, without any outlet, or support system. I do not mean in any way to disrespect the church (or other religious institutions), but Nigerians believe that we can just take the emotionally scarred child to church for prayers and sweep the issue of their rape or physical abuse under the table. While I believe that God can heal hurts, pains and bad memories, there is still a gaping hole in our society where we need pastoral care, counselling, someone to listen to what hurts, to offer a shoulder to cry on, a hug, to rehabilitate them before throwing them back into the dog eat dog world.
However much we try to overlook it, emotional scars shape people and shape their futures. A child that was beaten constantly will grow up to be a serial killer, sadistically trying to inflict the same pain he endured as a child on his victims. A child that grew up to his father constantly beating his mother will inevitably beat his wife, or disrespect women. A young woman who was kidnapped may grow up not to trust anyone, and be constantly paranoid. All these things can be avoided if we stopped avoiding the issues and shoving them on God, and we started talking about them and offering emotional support.
Sorry to be so sullen today, but its “the decor of my mind” and ‘Broken People’ have been on my mind.
Xoxo.
p.s. On a lighter note though, thanks a lot to Oz and Michael for their banner designs. Much love.
People walk around with all manner and kind of emotional scars, without any outlet, or support system. I do not mean in any way to disrespect the church (or other religious institutions), but Nigerians believe that we can just take the emotionally scarred child to church for prayers and sweep the issue of their rape or physical abuse under the table. While I believe that God can heal hurts, pains and bad memories, there is still a gaping hole in our society where we need pastoral care, counselling, someone to listen to what hurts, to offer a shoulder to cry on, a hug, to rehabilitate them before throwing them back into the dog eat dog world.
However much we try to overlook it, emotional scars shape people and shape their futures. A child that was beaten constantly will grow up to be a serial killer, sadistically trying to inflict the same pain he endured as a child on his victims. A child that grew up to his father constantly beating his mother will inevitably beat his wife, or disrespect women. A young woman who was kidnapped may grow up not to trust anyone, and be constantly paranoid. All these things can be avoided if we stopped avoiding the issues and shoving them on God, and we started talking about them and offering emotional support.
Sorry to be so sullen today, but its “the decor of my mind” and ‘Broken People’ have been on my mind.
Xoxo.
p.s. On a lighter note though, thanks a lot to Oz and Michael for their banner designs. Much love.
Monday, May 9, 2011
*Gate*Crashers*
Gatecrashers have the most fun. Think about it, they don’t know the people hosting the event, a lot of time they don’t know many guests, they have licence to do what they like, drink what they like, display poor table manners, say whatever to whoever, and nobody really cares – because nobody knows them, and they go unnoticed.
But gate crashers in Naije are on a whole ‘nother level. It is an ART. Gate-crashers act like they are the ones throwing the party ... They go and sit right next to the celebrant with no shame, they make demands far beyond their station (beyond the station of anybody that didn’t pay for the event), they do the ostentatious dance steps on the dance floor, you know the kind, that take Wizkid too literally when he says “oya oya ko mo le ma jo lo”, their gele’s will match a peacock in its splendour. They know they were intentionally not invited but hey they're still gonna go, and have FUN.
Was chatting with a friend the other day who was ‘ranting’ about not being invited anywhere, actually think she was just taking the piss. My advice to her was “You need to gatecrash more”. Invitations are redundant in Nigeria. Whether you’ve got one or not you can get into pretty much wherever you want to go. Just talk the talk and walk the walk. Swagger takes you far further than any embossed card, email, sms, bbm invite.
So for those of y’all out there that don’t seem to get many invitations I have put together a few Gate crashing do’s and dont’s. FYI this is just banter, do not try any of these at home o, When you get isho, I no dey dere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Shall I put in one more exclamation mark?)
Do’s
• Do your research on the event. Who is throwing it? What exactly they're celebrating? And most importantly what friends you have in common with them?
• Do reach out to mutual friends, slyly and cunningly suggest that you accompany them to the party
• Do just show up without an invitation if you genuinely believe your name missing from the guest list was an oversight (after all the months of planning and putting together a guest list is enough for someone to miss out the name of their closest friend - *insert sarcastic face* - hissss )
• Do try to dress in line with the theme for the event. If the colours for the event are white and navy blue, do try to avoid showing up in black lace and yellow gele – you will look out of place.
• Do arrive slightly after the ‘celebrants’ so that they do not question a stranger at their event
• Do name drop as much as possible, so as to establish your social fit to the gathering. You are not just mutton dressed as lamb. You are the lamb "gan gan".
Dont’s
• Do not take over the dance floor. If you must dance do so subtly, so as not to draw attention to yourself. Just a side to side shuffle will suffilce, do not ko mo le, do not do the splits, do not break dance.
• Do not be unnecessarily demanding. You weren’t actually invited so you should be lucky to get a ball of puff puff and half a glass of five alive, do not go demanding caviar and champagne
• Do not admit that you are gate crashing. Act like you know the ‘celebrants’, pass compliments on their outfit, even allude to conversations you have had with them in the past.
• Do not make up any stories about how you know the ‘celebrants’, you are not a cousin of their uncle Funsho from Kwara, you never know you may just be saying that to an uncle from Kwara that is called Funsho. Save yourself that embarrassment.
• Do not get drunk. This is the biggest DON’T!!!!! You will attract too much attention.
• Do not complain about anything. If the decoration is cheap, the ‘hall’ is small and hot, the waiters are a bit slow, just keep it to yourself, e no concern you, if your complaints are registered your presence is noticed
• Perchance the reason you gate crashed the event was to meet a special somebody, avoid cheap one liners and avoid using those one liners on any member of the celebrants immediate family. This will backfire on you. Guaranteed.
• Do not “beg it”...If you get to the door, they request to see your IV (which of course you don’t have), DO NOT ask them if they know who you are, do not create a scene, do not throw any punches, slaps, rain expletives on the bouncer. Just respect yourself, hold your hand bag or your ’fila’ well, turn on your heal and go HOME. You live to crash another day.
With those pointers I believe you should go largely unnoticed as a gate crasher.
Xoxo.
But gate crashers in Naije are on a whole ‘nother level. It is an ART. Gate-crashers act like they are the ones throwing the party ... They go and sit right next to the celebrant with no shame, they make demands far beyond their station (beyond the station of anybody that didn’t pay for the event), they do the ostentatious dance steps on the dance floor, you know the kind, that take Wizkid too literally when he says “oya oya ko mo le ma jo lo”, their gele’s will match a peacock in its splendour. They know they were intentionally not invited but hey they're still gonna go, and have FUN.
Was chatting with a friend the other day who was ‘ranting’ about not being invited anywhere, actually think she was just taking the piss. My advice to her was “You need to gatecrash more”. Invitations are redundant in Nigeria. Whether you’ve got one or not you can get into pretty much wherever you want to go. Just talk the talk and walk the walk. Swagger takes you far further than any embossed card, email, sms, bbm invite.
So for those of y’all out there that don’t seem to get many invitations I have put together a few Gate crashing do’s and dont’s. FYI this is just banter, do not try any of these at home o, When you get isho, I no dey dere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Shall I put in one more exclamation mark?)
Do’s
• Do your research on the event. Who is throwing it? What exactly they're celebrating? And most importantly what friends you have in common with them?
• Do reach out to mutual friends, slyly and cunningly suggest that you accompany them to the party
• Do just show up without an invitation if you genuinely believe your name missing from the guest list was an oversight (after all the months of planning and putting together a guest list is enough for someone to miss out the name of their closest friend - *insert sarcastic face* - hissss )
• Do try to dress in line with the theme for the event. If the colours for the event are white and navy blue, do try to avoid showing up in black lace and yellow gele – you will look out of place.
• Do arrive slightly after the ‘celebrants’ so that they do not question a stranger at their event
• Do name drop as much as possible, so as to establish your social fit to the gathering. You are not just mutton dressed as lamb. You are the lamb "gan gan".
Dont’s
• Do not take over the dance floor. If you must dance do so subtly, so as not to draw attention to yourself. Just a side to side shuffle will suffilce, do not ko mo le, do not do the splits, do not break dance.
• Do not be unnecessarily demanding. You weren’t actually invited so you should be lucky to get a ball of puff puff and half a glass of five alive, do not go demanding caviar and champagne
• Do not admit that you are gate crashing. Act like you know the ‘celebrants’, pass compliments on their outfit, even allude to conversations you have had with them in the past.
• Do not make up any stories about how you know the ‘celebrants’, you are not a cousin of their uncle Funsho from Kwara, you never know you may just be saying that to an uncle from Kwara that is called Funsho. Save yourself that embarrassment.
• Do not get drunk. This is the biggest DON’T!!!!! You will attract too much attention.
• Do not complain about anything. If the decoration is cheap, the ‘hall’ is small and hot, the waiters are a bit slow, just keep it to yourself, e no concern you, if your complaints are registered your presence is noticed
• Perchance the reason you gate crashed the event was to meet a special somebody, avoid cheap one liners and avoid using those one liners on any member of the celebrants immediate family. This will backfire on you. Guaranteed.
• Do not “beg it”...If you get to the door, they request to see your IV (which of course you don’t have), DO NOT ask them if they know who you are, do not create a scene, do not throw any punches, slaps, rain expletives on the bouncer. Just respect yourself, hold your hand bag or your ’fila’ well, turn on your heal and go HOME. You live to crash another day.
With those pointers I believe you should go largely unnoticed as a gate crasher.
Xoxo.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Royal Wedding Naija Style
All this Royal banter has got me imagining what the Royal Wedding would be like if it was Nigerian Royalty. We all know that Yorubas have the most effeeezzzy, so lets go with a Yoruba Royal wedding.
Weeks before the event (Yes, not months), the mother of the bride would have mobilised all her friends (The “mothers of the day”) to sell the Aso-Ebi for the event, to all other friends that live in their vicinity. Being a “Royal wedding” the lace will be nothing less than N400k for the engagement (traditional wedding) and the white wedding. Nothing too played out it would have to be a randommmmm colour, so everybody will know that “puff puff yato si doughnut”, and of course “Tesco value yato si krispy Kreme” ... This royal wedding will be the krispy kreme of all royal weddings. There will of course have to be a shortage of this aso ebi, there will be more demand, more hype if it is rare, all the friends of the bride’s parents are at loggerheads with each other because one got 5 yards, whilst the other only got 3 yards, just the kind of scandal needed to get people talking about the upcoming nuptuals.
It will suddenly dawn on the planning committee (the bride, her mother, and one over sabi aunt), that they have not printed invitations or secured a venue for the event. At this point the Olori (the Queen) will roll on the floor in front of the Oba (her husband, the King), and he will then put a call into Elizabeth R, and if Eko Hotel has been booked he’ll also have to put in a call to the leader of the southwest political party to ensure the swift rescheduling of whatever program was to hold (after all he opens up the way to the future – who else could solve the problem).
Now that the Aso–Ebi has been ‘ha’d’, the venue secured and Lagos’ A-List event planner booked, the buzz and word will begin to circulate , everyone in Lagos will be coveting that much sought after invitation, do not fret because if you don’t have one, ‘ko si problem’ you will still enter. The invitations will be printed, in a big rush, now its only 3 days to the event (the suspense of who will get official invites will now have reached a peak), the sentences will not be printed in straight lines, and there will likely be a few mistakes, but someone will cross out the embossed gold lettering with a blue ball point bic biro and correct it to “Eko Expo Centre”. Now that is done, the sorting out of memorabilia for the special day will commence. All manner and kind of plastic and metal buckets, mugs, note books, sponges, dustbins, credit, mobile phones even (those cheap visafone ones), plastic fans, electric fans, all sorts, just name it, they will be personalised with Sumbo weds Bosun, or Sumbo hooks Bosun.
The D-day has arrived (for simplicity sake let’s just assume this is just the one day, because we all know the chaos of the engagement will be replicated at the white wedding). The streets will not be lined with members of the public, because quite frankly nobody really cares, the traffic will be horrendous, but since it is a bigggzzz gel and bigggzzzz boy wedding, all the guests will have mo po to navigate their way through the traffic. The focus will completely be taken off the bride and the groom, after all “They are just at the altar, it is the parents that are doing the wedding”.... Every song the bride chooses to dance into will be criticised by the aforementioned friends of the bride’s mother, “ song yen o da rara” “Song wo? Ah, ko dun”, in the end the bride ends up dancing in to a song she completely detests, but it was the only one that the random aunts would agree to. She’s eventually in, has been unveiled and presented to her groom. The “alaga” would do her very best to frustrate the couple, embarrass them and of course to ensure she gets sprayed the most money of the day. The bride picks one of the gifts from the grooms family (A “Holy Book” of course, Lord alone knows why they bring other gifts since this is the only option), all the traditional stuff is done with, and the ‘enjoyment’ begins. Enjoyment is relative of course.
Did I mention that none of the guest would have arrived yet, 3 hours into the event they finally arrive, in their mile high gele’s, matching shoes and bags, and depending on their closeness to the couple they will have their own branded gifts to distribute. The waiters will go into a frenzy, they didn’t expect this many people all at once (even though this happens at EVERY event), the service will be shoddy, champagne will be rationed, food will be cold, and eventually it gets too much, so the waiters all hide behind the speakers drinking Jack Daniels neat. Hours pass, nothing has actually happened, it’s a circus, but somehow people feel so special to be on the guest list that they are blinded to this fact. The families of the couple couldn’t have hoped for a bigger success, they all go home, and sleep for a week. That was the most strenuous day of their lives, and the only possible way to recover is to lie on their backsides and eat endlessly for a prolonged period of time, while taking phone calls from friends at family who affirm their delusions of success at throwing a grand party.
Xoxo.
Weeks before the event (Yes, not months), the mother of the bride would have mobilised all her friends (The “mothers of the day”) to sell the Aso-Ebi for the event, to all other friends that live in their vicinity. Being a “Royal wedding” the lace will be nothing less than N400k for the engagement (traditional wedding) and the white wedding. Nothing too played out it would have to be a randommmmm colour, so everybody will know that “puff puff yato si doughnut”, and of course “Tesco value yato si krispy Kreme” ... This royal wedding will be the krispy kreme of all royal weddings. There will of course have to be a shortage of this aso ebi, there will be more demand, more hype if it is rare, all the friends of the bride’s parents are at loggerheads with each other because one got 5 yards, whilst the other only got 3 yards, just the kind of scandal needed to get people talking about the upcoming nuptuals.
It will suddenly dawn on the planning committee (the bride, her mother, and one over sabi aunt), that they have not printed invitations or secured a venue for the event. At this point the Olori (the Queen) will roll on the floor in front of the Oba (her husband, the King), and he will then put a call into Elizabeth R, and if Eko Hotel has been booked he’ll also have to put in a call to the leader of the southwest political party to ensure the swift rescheduling of whatever program was to hold (after all he opens up the way to the future – who else could solve the problem).
Now that the Aso–Ebi has been ‘ha’d’, the venue secured and Lagos’ A-List event planner booked, the buzz and word will begin to circulate , everyone in Lagos will be coveting that much sought after invitation, do not fret because if you don’t have one, ‘ko si problem’ you will still enter. The invitations will be printed, in a big rush, now its only 3 days to the event (the suspense of who will get official invites will now have reached a peak), the sentences will not be printed in straight lines, and there will likely be a few mistakes, but someone will cross out the embossed gold lettering with a blue ball point bic biro and correct it to “Eko Expo Centre”. Now that is done, the sorting out of memorabilia for the special day will commence. All manner and kind of plastic and metal buckets, mugs, note books, sponges, dustbins, credit, mobile phones even (those cheap visafone ones), plastic fans, electric fans, all sorts, just name it, they will be personalised with Sumbo weds Bosun, or Sumbo hooks Bosun.
The D-day has arrived (for simplicity sake let’s just assume this is just the one day, because we all know the chaos of the engagement will be replicated at the white wedding). The streets will not be lined with members of the public, because quite frankly nobody really cares, the traffic will be horrendous, but since it is a bigggzzz gel and bigggzzzz boy wedding, all the guests will have mo po to navigate their way through the traffic. The focus will completely be taken off the bride and the groom, after all “They are just at the altar, it is the parents that are doing the wedding”.... Every song the bride chooses to dance into will be criticised by the aforementioned friends of the bride’s mother, “ song yen o da rara” “Song wo? Ah, ko dun”, in the end the bride ends up dancing in to a song she completely detests, but it was the only one that the random aunts would agree to. She’s eventually in, has been unveiled and presented to her groom. The “alaga” would do her very best to frustrate the couple, embarrass them and of course to ensure she gets sprayed the most money of the day. The bride picks one of the gifts from the grooms family (A “Holy Book” of course, Lord alone knows why they bring other gifts since this is the only option), all the traditional stuff is done with, and the ‘enjoyment’ begins. Enjoyment is relative of course.
Did I mention that none of the guest would have arrived yet, 3 hours into the event they finally arrive, in their mile high gele’s, matching shoes and bags, and depending on their closeness to the couple they will have their own branded gifts to distribute. The waiters will go into a frenzy, they didn’t expect this many people all at once (even though this happens at EVERY event), the service will be shoddy, champagne will be rationed, food will be cold, and eventually it gets too much, so the waiters all hide behind the speakers drinking Jack Daniels neat. Hours pass, nothing has actually happened, it’s a circus, but somehow people feel so special to be on the guest list that they are blinded to this fact. The families of the couple couldn’t have hoped for a bigger success, they all go home, and sleep for a week. That was the most strenuous day of their lives, and the only possible way to recover is to lie on their backsides and eat endlessly for a prolonged period of time, while taking phone calls from friends at family who affirm their delusions of success at throwing a grand party.
Xoxo.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
If you want it...
Pursuit is the evidence of desire. If you want it badly enough, then you will pursue it. If you do not pursue it, then evidently you aren’t hungry enough for it, and you can do without.
I speak for myself also when I say that our generation knows nothing about pursuit. In life we do not pursue. In love we do not pursue either. We are used to having everything handed to us on a silver platter, and in many cases fed to us with a silver spoon. Most of us do not know what it means to seek out something, and work hard to acquire it, to pursue something like it is worthy of the value you place on it.
In life we have parents, god parents, aunts and uncles constantly charting out a path for us to follow, providing the finances, connections, ideas, excuses, and a new towel when we decide to throw the old one in. In love, we are spoilt for choice (I rephrase – men are spoilt for choice), if the current relationship fails there are many new, younger models willing to fill the vacancy in a heartbeat. Somehow we have lost the ability to work for things, we don’t have to I guess it’s always there. Everything is at our beck and call, and willing to bow to our every whim and caprice.
I can’t help but think how much we are missing out on. I think the best things come after a little bit of work, toil, a bit of sweat and blood. The things we get easily, pale in comparison to the things we have to work for, in life, in love, and in everything in between. If you truly desire something more than anything else, the only proof is the ardour of your pursuit. I personally appreciate the things I know I have worked hard to get a lot more than the things that have come easy to me. I am sure most people feel the same way.
Xoxo.
I speak for myself also when I say that our generation knows nothing about pursuit. In life we do not pursue. In love we do not pursue either. We are used to having everything handed to us on a silver platter, and in many cases fed to us with a silver spoon. Most of us do not know what it means to seek out something, and work hard to acquire it, to pursue something like it is worthy of the value you place on it.
In life we have parents, god parents, aunts and uncles constantly charting out a path for us to follow, providing the finances, connections, ideas, excuses, and a new towel when we decide to throw the old one in. In love, we are spoilt for choice (I rephrase – men are spoilt for choice), if the current relationship fails there are many new, younger models willing to fill the vacancy in a heartbeat. Somehow we have lost the ability to work for things, we don’t have to I guess it’s always there. Everything is at our beck and call, and willing to bow to our every whim and caprice.
I can’t help but think how much we are missing out on. I think the best things come after a little bit of work, toil, a bit of sweat and blood. The things we get easily, pale in comparison to the things we have to work for, in life, in love, and in everything in between. If you truly desire something more than anything else, the only proof is the ardour of your pursuit. I personally appreciate the things I know I have worked hard to get a lot more than the things that have come easy to me. I am sure most people feel the same way.
Xoxo.
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