Parade of the frogs

It is universally acknowledged (well by people that believe in fairytales at least) that you have to kiss a lot of frogs (figuratively, literally) before you find your prince. Not to have a dig on Nigerian men (I am aware that I do this far more than I intend), but sometimes there is such a down pouring of frogs, it becomes more of a parade of the frogs; A festival of the weird and wonderful, a circus of the bizarre and the unnecessary brave, a bazaar of the unique and the colourfully different. All the frogs showing their most elaborate and well practiced stunts, cartwheels, frog jumps (quite apt), walking on stilts, wearing the most elaborate of costumes, clown shoes, and red noses, all in a bid to get a kiss from a princess who hopes they will magically morph into a prince. Unfortunately she is not aware that a frog can never be a prince, if he wasn’t first a prince that was turned into a frog. (Yeah that sentence confused me too). This is not to say that there are no princes, just that you have to go through a few frogs to find them.

Anyhows, I had quite a funny conversation with my friend, whose name I shall protect, but you know yourself, and it became quite apparent that depending on how long you have had to watch this parade, sit through the gnarly monologues (I say gnarly because some of them are so deceitfully good), and answer irrelevant questions, dating in Lagos is a chore, akin to studying for a quantum mechanics exam. Myself, X, my mum and my brother had quite a laugh at some of the things people say, ask, do, and I thought to myself that we laugh at it now, but the people that do these things are blissfully unaware of their inappropriateness. So being the niccccceee person that I am (*blushes*) I am gonna let you know what you should not do on a date if you genuinely want a second one. You may have been X’s frog, but you can still be Y’s prince.

• Numero Uno. Personally I believe you can learn a lot more about a person in an hour of play than a lifetime of conversation. You most certainly then cannot learn very much about a person by hosting an formal styled interview with them. Honestly there is no value add to you on a first date asking things like: What is your favourite colour?? (Why do you need to know this), How many siblings do you have? Or any other family questions? (We are not planning the wedding train just yet), What is your favourite day of the week? What MTN plan do you have? How many guys / girls have you dated? These are non value add questions. Just as you may get offended if we asked “How much do you get paid”, “What are your 10 year career plans” we also get offended by these daft questions
• Do not underestimate the Lagos grapevine. There is really nooooooo point in creating a false identity. You will be found out. If you sit on your backside day in day out, do not claim to be a real estate developer, an architect or a brain surgeon. If your date is a real Lagos gal you will soon be found out and your lying ways will be front page citi people before long. Be yourself, that’s the best version of you there is.
• Do not try to prove to the girl that you are super popular by over greeting people around you, always looking around to see who walks in, and to make sure the girl knows that you know them. That’s sorta irritating, and reveals some sort of insecurity.
• Do not spend the whole evening, day, morning whatever on your bb. I’m sure you are very important and whoever you are bb’ing cannot do without speaking to you, but whoever you are with wants to feel “like the only girl in the world”, the only person in the world even
• This one is a bit tricky. But do not assume that she can find her own way. I personally like to drive myself sha, so if like X, I can no longer bare stupid questions I can just leave. But leave it to her to decide if she wants picking up or not
• Do not go on a date if you are engaged and to be married next week, and all you are using her for is to make sure you have made the right decision to get married
• If your girlfriend of 13 years has just broken up with you for some loaded, heterosexual version of Tom Ford avoid making this a topic of conversation. Nobody wants to be thought of as a rebound
• Do not dominate the conversation, let her speak a little
• Do not under any circumstance talk about football, spend the entire time watching a match (to me at least). We know you like the sport, we would just rather not have to deal with it on what is meant to be a pleasant evening out.
• A lot of girls are assessing you as a potential spouse when they are on a date, so general drunken, leery behaviour is a big no no. Control your drinking.
• Don’t stare. Staring is just rude. Just take a picture it’ll last longer, stare at it when you get home
• Do not control. This is the 21st century, women have opinions too, don’t lord yours over her. If she wants white do not insist on a bottle of red
• And (i’m going to stop here) If you are not a funny person, DO NOT crack jokes, if you must please practice them on a sister, cousin etc for appropriateness and funniness before you try it out doors.

Xoxo.