*Gate*Crashers*

Gatecrashers have the most fun. Think about it, they don’t know the people hosting the event, a lot of time they don’t know many guests, they have licence to do what they like, drink what they like, display poor table manners, say whatever to whoever, and nobody really cares – because nobody knows them, and they go unnoticed.

But gate crashers in Naije are on a whole ‘nother level. It is an ART. Gate-crashers act like they are the ones throwing the party ... They go and sit right next to the celebrant with no shame, they make demands far beyond their station (beyond the station of anybody that didn’t pay for the event), they do the ostentatious dance steps on the dance floor, you know the kind, that take Wizkid too literally when he says “oya oya ko mo le ma jo lo”, their gele’s will match a peacock in its splendour. They know they were intentionally not invited but hey they're still gonna go, and have FUN.

Was chatting with a friend the other day who was ‘ranting’ about not being invited anywhere, actually think she was just taking the piss. My advice to her was “You need to gatecrash more”. Invitations are redundant in Nigeria. Whether you’ve got one or not you can get into pretty much wherever you want to go. Just talk the talk and walk the walk. Swagger takes you far further than any embossed card, email, sms, bbm invite.

So for those of y’all out there that don’t seem to get many invitations I have put together a few Gate crashing do’s and dont’s. FYI this is just banter, do not try any of these at home o, When you get isho, I no dey dere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Shall I put in one more exclamation mark?)

Do’s
• Do your research on the event. Who is throwing it? What exactly they're celebrating? And most importantly what friends you have in common with them?
• Do reach out to mutual friends, slyly and cunningly suggest that you accompany them to the party
• Do just show up without an invitation if you genuinely believe your name missing from the guest list was an oversight (after all the months of planning and putting together a guest list is enough for someone to miss out the name of their closest friend - *insert sarcastic face* - hissss )
• Do try to dress in line with the theme for the event. If the colours for the event are white and navy blue, do try to avoid showing up in black lace and yellow gele – you will look out of place.
• Do arrive slightly after the ‘celebrants’ so that they do not question a stranger at their event
• Do name drop as much as possible, so as to establish your social fit to the gathering. You are not just mutton dressed as lamb. You are the lamb "gan gan".

Dont’s
• Do not take over the dance floor. If you must dance do so subtly, so as not to draw attention to yourself. Just a side to side shuffle will suffilce, do not ko mo le, do not do the splits, do not break dance.
• Do not be unnecessarily demanding. You weren’t actually invited so you should be lucky to get a ball of puff puff and half a glass of five alive, do not go demanding caviar and champagne
• Do not admit that you are gate crashing. Act like you know the ‘celebrants’, pass compliments on their outfit, even allude to conversations you have had with them in the past.
• Do not make up any stories about how you know the ‘celebrants’, you are not a cousin of their uncle Funsho from Kwara, you never know you may just be saying that to an uncle from Kwara that is called Funsho. Save yourself that embarrassment.
• Do not get drunk. This is the biggest DON’T!!!!! You will attract too much attention.
• Do not complain about anything. If the decoration is cheap, the ‘hall’ is small and hot, the waiters are a bit slow, just keep it to yourself, e no concern you, if your complaints are registered your presence is noticed
• Perchance the reason you gate crashed the event was to meet a special somebody, avoid cheap one liners and avoid using those one liners on any member of the celebrants immediate family. This will backfire on you. Guaranteed.
• Do not “beg it”...If you get to the door, they request to see your IV (which of course you don’t have), DO NOT ask them if they know who you are, do not create a scene, do not throw any punches, slaps, rain expletives on the bouncer. Just respect yourself, hold your hand bag or your ’fila’ well, turn on your heal and go HOME. You live to crash another day.

With those pointers I believe you should go largely unnoticed as a gate crasher.

Xoxo.