The first working day after the Christmas break is akin to how we used to feel when we were 10 and heading back to School after a long and awesome summer. We cant imagine how it is physically possible to get out of bed at 6 o’clock, All that brain work is far too much after 2 weeks of straight chilling, and now for us local Nigerians, the added frustration of having to re adjust to speaking Nigerianese, the Nigerian office culture, all the female colleagues on a diet of hater-ade, male colleagues on a power trip, and just general unnecessary behavior.
Admittedly this is a very old one, but my friend “G” asked if I would re-post it with additions, and I thought it would be a great way to get back into the work groove… (Note: It was written a while ago, and the writing is very poor, but I think the message is clear enough so I haven’t edited. If you have read it before jump down a few, for the additions)
Things Nigerians should not say or do:
*HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT????????????????? -- None of your business
* Where do you stay? -- Nowhere near you, no you cannot come and visit, please go back to your desk and don’t try to make conversation with me
* Well Done -- errrr for doing what? Yes I know its a literal translation of Yoruba, but in English it sounds stupid, and it is NOT a greeting just say hello, not well done, for all you know I could be planning to bomb your office and your saying well done
* Are you aware? -- yes I am aware, my hair sticks up sometimes, i may have missed a belt loop, my shirt may not be properly tucked in, a button may be undone, but why the hell are you looking anyway, face your work so that we can leave the office before midnight
* How is work? -- same as it was yesterday, boring, damn monotonous, and I’m fantasising of strangling all my co-workers with a telephone cord, plus face your work not mine, poke nose!
* SHE IS NOT ON SEAT – don’t even know where to start with this one, just do NOT say it, it means nothing.
* I came to find you, I did not meet you, I met your absence -- who the on earth is 'my absence', don’t know who she is, she aint as cool as me, I know that. How's about you just tell me I came looking for you and you weren’t there... is that so hard why do you have to bring this fictional character 'my absence' into anything
* the use of a million negatives in place of just the necessary ONE, for example "there is a lack, of no, any, enough information" -- really half that sentence is daft.
* repeating everything I say -- I said it, yes I remember, you don’t have to repeat after me we are not in primary school trying to learn the alphabet.
* "yes, yes, ermmm my name is XXXX XXXXXX (some razzz name sha) and I’m in x department, ***personal history*** -- I DO NOT CARE TO "know you" just get to the point ask your question, let me answer, drop the phone and let me have PEACE OF MIND
* I have ERRONEOUSLY... -- its ok to say you made a mistake, don’t try making it sound cool by using big words, I went to school too, I have a dictionary, I know what it means, and mistakenly is a far better word to use than ERRONEOUSLY.
* feeeeeeeeeeeeeenance -- its finance love, just as its spelt, like me to pronounce it phonetically for you, FAHY-NANS..ODE
*Fake, God alone knows what accents -- you sound like a constipated monkey that has been chained up and is being proded with a stick, just speak how you know how to...gosh
* Good day -- this somehow irritates me. Not half as bad as the rest, but it does my nut. I prefer other greetings to be honest. hi, hello, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, not good day, it kinda sounds like a play or something.
* The INTERNATIONAL business language is ENGLISH -- why speak in yoruba, igbo, or hausa in an office, please speak English its rude to do otherwise.
*The Spanish Inquisition -- I have enough friends, I don’t really need to make more, well not with you anyway, don’t enquire about my life please. DMC's are not for the workplace
*I prefer Ariel to BOLD – The average Nigerian believes there is no reason they cannot tell you anything. They are just BOLD. “You’re looking very ugly today o, you’re not looking fresh at all”, “You have really ADEDD” (added means you have put on weight btw.)… I don’t know why as Nigerians we put down ill manners to “our culture” … its not our culture to be rude, please don’t pass any inappropriate comments to me, I may clap you.
*Cleaning your ears with your pen or car keys - I have seen this being done by drivers, okada riders, molue bus conductors, but I NEVER in my life thought I would see a university graduate do this … alas life is full of surprises. Managers pushing Range Rovers, and 7 series’ are guilty of this crime, pulling off their glasses cleaning their ears, wiping it on their fingers and getting back to their work. I think I may well vom all over my laptop if I have to witness this again
*I am not surprised to see a rat casually stroll across he office floor. However I cannot stand it when I am accused of being an “aje butter” for screaming and jumping on the desk, when the so called “aje pakos” will do the very same thing if the rat came that close to them – just not a good look. Remove the rod in your eye before the spec in mine
*Forming busy – This is every Nigerian persons key competency. Why Why Why will you spend 8 till 5 stalking people on facebook (if they were really your mates give them a ding after work and they’ll fill u in), then forcing everyone else to stay in work with you till 11. Its inefficient really isn’t it, and your working yourself into an early grave. I want to have kids, and grand-kids, I’m not on that one with you. Perception management, being seen to be working “hard” is not necessarily working smart.
*Posting – If you don’t know how to / don’t want to / cant be arsed to do something for me, don’t tell me you will, and I should just “check you” later. This is completely unfair to give somebody hope when you know you are just going to disappoint them.
*Accept Incompetence – Though I am your junior, if I can do something better than you, please accept it and ask for help, do not send me on a wild goose chase to prove a point that you know something you don’t, we all get to go home earlier that way.
Try not to kill anyone in the weeks and months of work to come!! Focus on making that paper, it'll be worth it when you retire well!
xoxo.
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