Love and Marriage

“Love and Marriage,
Love and Marriage,
They go together like a horse and carriage
This i’ll tell you brother,
You can’t have one without the other”

That Frank Sinatra tune has been buzzing in my head all week, which is quite funny because that is quite the opposite of what obtains in Nigeria, it’s completely spun on its head, distorted in every possible way. Our Nigerian theme tune goes more like:

“Lot and Marriage,
Lot and Marriage,
It’s an institute you CAN disparage
This i’ll tell you brother,
If you have a bad lot,
You’ll still make a good marriage”

I really did try to make that rhyme, I just lack the patience, but I think I made my point, in Nigeria love is the least of your considerations when you are getting married. On the top of the list for down this neck of the woods:

1. Money , Owo, Ego ... Either he has it, you don’t, or you have it, and the thought of moving to the other side of the ‘Brooklyn bridge’ after you get married sends shivers down your spine, so you have to ‘shine ya eye‘ for someone that comes “readymade”, 7 bedroom mansion in banana island, Audi q7, a spare Toyota Prado in case petrol in the q7 ever drops below quarter tank, use of his father’s private jet if you ever need a weekend get away to Sao Tome, 2 great danes that he got from South Africa that only drink harrods milk.... etc. etc. Bottom line regardless of the fact that he may be the Hunchback of Notre Dam, regardless of whether he is an axe murderer, with enough personalities to send you to a loony bin before you hit your 30’s, regardless of whether you care more for Hitler than you could ever care for him, if his bank account is similar to an obese teenager, bulging at every seam, you’re good to go!!!!! You hit jackpot when he “iced your second finger”.

2. Pressure. I have seen so many people get married to any Tom, Dick or Harry because they got fed up of people saying: “When will we be informed?”, “We hear destination parties are now the vogue, where will we travel for yours”, “Aunty agbaya, always the bridesmaid, never the bride”, “We don’t want a 30 year old miracle, better bring him now”, could go on forever but last one, and this is what my God Mother says too me every time... “I have warned you o, it is whoever finds first, if you find him for yourself I will accept, if I find somebody before you, then...”. So far as you do wedding, people tend to forget that they have to spend the rest of your life with this person, and as my Dad pointed out they don’t do pre-nup in Nigeria because the woman gets nothing anyway, so it really is for life, I think most people are just numb to this fact, so they go ahead and plug their round peg into a square whole, and endure the discomfort for life.

3. Circumstance. For whatever reason, and I say this with no judgment at all, people get married because they are pregnant, cause it’s what their parents want (yeah some parents pick wives and husbands, as though picking out your clothes when you were younger wasn’t bad enough), they are about to be cut off by their rents, they want to move up the social ladder – they are just tired of being the third wheel at all the “it” parties, they want their invite in their own name .... Mrs Shokolokobangoshe

4. Beauty. Some people just get married because they want a trophee wife or husband, no more than an accessory, a hair piece, a jewelled broach, a painted peacock: Just like a Hermes Birkin bag automatically gives status to a primark dress, their Beaurifulllll wife or Handsome husband changes their status to – “O ti de”

I don’t know if I have just watched far too many period dramas and Disney movies, but all that sounds like a nightmare to me, it would be akin to waking up on the set of criminal minds with no escape route, and I’m the victim. My friend D.O. always says love isn’t enough for marriage, and to a certain extent I do agree with her, but in Nigeria love has been completely removed from the equation, and replaced with the other accompaniments, The turkey has been taken away, fed to the dog, and people are focusing on whether there is enough cranberry sauce. To me it seems very silly, I’d rather just wait till my “Olowo Ori Mi” really is the Olowo ori mi, than be pressured to sacrifice love for money, circumstance and aesthetics.

Xoxo.